Category Archives: water

Hunger

That about sums up yesterday and today! As I’ve started the plan of torture for my body to follow (via Allan) I am remembering this feeling of hunger! It has been something that in the last few months sends me running across the hall to Brad’s office to ask when lunch time is…and now it’s like an old friend come to visit.

Weird, I know, but the hunger is a satisfying feeling. It’s something that lets me know that I’m actually doing something about my fatty body, and that now my body can work to consume ITSELF, instead of me consuming crap to kill myself slowly.

I’m slightly dark today, apparently, cause that sounds a wee bit morbid. But I guess I have reason. Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of losing my nephew Cooper to cancer. I was never really as close to him as I would have liked to have been, but his death had a profound effect on me. I posted about his death after it happened, and going back and reading that post was slightly haunting.

I donโ€™t want to go into dramatics, but I think the situation with my nephew helped to snap my mind into a good place for thisโ€ฆno more wallowing in self-loathing because Iโ€™ve failed to make a baby (yet!), no more giving myself a thousand excuses to eat like a pig. Life is so precious, and I will never have a baby if I donโ€™t get my PCOS and weight under control.

I am committed. No cheating.

And I was. I really was. For the first time in my life I started a diet and stuck to it. Of course life had given me a situation in which it was easier for me than ever, but I look back and I really am amazed at myself for what I did.

Of course that it a bittersweet thing, because I look at how I let life’s situations throw me WAY off course and derail me between then and now. I don’t regret, because I won my prize. My precious little girl who brightens up each day.

Somehow tragedy is always my slap in the face though. It wasn’t until the horrible Sandy Hook incident that I felt like someone through a bucket of icy water on my head. Something telling me to wake the fuck up and start taking care of the life I have. Why do I need the cathartic feeling of stuffing my face full of chemically enhanced garbage when I have this wonderful little girl to take care of and a husband who, seriously, is honestly the best man I know (besides my dad of course).

Today and through this I choose life, I am committed, no cheating.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under mental, sugar addict!, water

Where Do I Fit?

This last week was great for me – not only did I get back on track with the plan, but I had some great personal news and work was humming along. I’m still looking at being crazy busy over the next few months, but sometimes I feel like I do my best work when I’m swamped.

So, I’m starting to experience something new and very foreign to me – shopping in normal stores. I’ve bought some jeans at Old Navy a few weeks ago, but that was mostly to see if I could fit into them. Now, I’m finding that the majority of my old work clothes make me look like I’m a child playing dress up in Mom’s closet. So last Friday I set out to buy a couple of work shirts.

I’ve shopped almost exclusively at Lane Bryant for my entire adult life. This was the one place I could go and feel safe when trying on clothes. After too many dressing room experiences ending in tears (and a comforting pizza mostly likely) over the years, I knew that Lane Bryant was that one place where I could feel “normal” when looking for clothes. I wouldn’t have to find something gorgeous only to find that the largest size it came in was at least 2 sizes smaller than me. For years, if I walked into a store in the mall, a Target, or any place that sold clothes that didn’t say Lane Bryant on the outside (or Avenue, as I discovered that place only a couple of years ago)…I never even went into that section to see what was available – I knew that it would never be “available” to me.

So, on Friday when I decided to get a couple of new shirts, I definitely did it while trying to stifle some anxiety.

I started at a Kohl’s, because I knew they had a “women’s” section. I grabbed a few cute shirts, instinctively grabbing a 2XL. I figured that should be big enough for me, thinking that the cut of shirts in a “normal” store must surely run small. Well, those were too big. O.o I grabbed a 1X, which seemed to fit just right, and I was so surprised by how many options were suddenly open to me. I ended up choosing just one shirt that I couldn’t live without, and then repeated the process at Old Navy, where once again I was shocked to find that a 2X was too big.

So…here is my conundrum though…and where I’m hoping that maybe someone out there who has gone through this process before can maybe help me. This ignorance simply comes from years of avoidance of normal clothing stores:

At Kohl’s, the women’s section started off their sizing at 1X. Now, I know that “petites” section is supposed to be for ladies with short torsoes or legs, right? So I can’t shop there. There was also a section there called “Misses,” but their version of a 1X was definitely smaller…is this still the right section to start shopping next? Or is there some magical other section out there? Lol, I’m sure this is one of the all-time stupidest questions, but I honestly have no clue what section of a department store I’ll need to be shopping in in 20 pounds or so. Stores like Target and Old Navy aren’t hard to figure out, but I’m talking about when I need to find work clothes…has anyone out there gone through this? I figure I’ll Google this as well, but I just thought I’d see if anyone out there has any light to shed…

Anyway, sorry for a rambling post – yay for smaller clothes! That was definitely a mood-lifting NSV! Another one is this photo:

Jacket!!! O.o

So, I have developed, through the years, a sort of jacket addiction. Perhaps it’s a layover for being so overweight for so many years, and nothing covers up everything like a cute jacket. I found this jacket at Kohl’s on their sales rack and thought it was so cute! There was only one, and in an XL. I was sooooo tempted to get it, but it was almost too large on me (!!!). And since I plan to be smaller before it would be cool enough outside to wear this, I begrudgingly put it back on the rack. But not before I had Brad snap a photo of me in it.

Lol, so I guess yay for a clothes victory and an impulse by resistance victory. ๐Ÿ˜‰

It’s Monday – rainy outside, but I’m 4 pounds lighter than I was this time last week. 2 bottles of water in, 4 to go today and 1 large tonight + swimming!

3 Comments

Filed under Achievement, mental, personal, water, weight loss

Brain Sabbatical part 2 (Also known as the Brain Returns!)

I blinked and suddenly it’s Wednesday? Craziness!

Work has ramped up a LOT on me lately, so I’m hoping to keep some semblance of regular posting, but I can’t make any promises. It’s very exciting: a project which I am the lead on got green lighted by the big dogs! It’s very awesome, but since they want to do the launch on August 1st it looks like my summer just got crazy. I’m not trying to be cryptic of course, but yes purposely vague. ๐Ÿ˜‰

In other news, my Brain has returned from sabbatical and I am back to following the plan to the letter. I’m over myself and the beating up process. But for my own record and such, here is the short version of what happened last week.

I finally did that thing that I said I wouldn’t do this time around. I started feeling awesome about the progress I’ve made and decided to “reward” myself with food. It was Mother’s Day, I was hanging with my family and they wanted to go to my parents’ favorite Mexican restaurant. Now, I’ve gone with them 1 or 2 times since starting on plan this year, but I’ve been very careful to stick to salad, no chips, etc. Well that night I decided that I deserved chips and salsa. And a meal.

Now going by calories alone, with estimating high, I never went over Phase 5 calories (1200 – I had not hardly eaten anything that day to save up!), but as I’m sure others out there can relate to…this sent me into some sort of downward diet spiral.

The week after that (last week), I was traveling for work where there were several business lunches and dinners. Then, the day I came back there was a funeral for a close family friend. And then Friday…well let’s just say beer and leave it at that.

Two things: 1.) I didn’t gain any weight. I was a little crazy, but I wasn’t stupid either. I ate non-plan foods, but kept tracking the calories as best I could and didn’t really go over the weekly total for Phase 5. Obviously though the foods were definitely not what they were supposed to be. The result was maintainance on my weight, which was not the best but also better than it could have been for sure.

2.) I’m almost glad this happened. It sucked and it was scary at the time, because I know so many times before when I “messed up” that it was over. I’d beat myself up about it, console with food and start the climb back up the scale. It was extremely, extremely hard to get back on track mentally. That one dinner on Sunday sent me into a week long madness it seemed. Now, it was an unusual week because I was out of my routine and had crazy things going on, but still – I have had crazy weeks before this one and did fine, even if I had to improvise.

But, I finally shook off the crazy this weekend, went to the grocery store, and had a nice long chat with myself. As I mentioned on Monday, I am hungry. Seriously – going from mostly liquids on Allan‘s Phase 6 trial, to way too many restaurant meals, and back to liquids? My body has definitely been screaming at me this week. Right now I am hungry for sure. But, I am mentally strong again.

So, work day is almost done. 5.5 bottles of water in, .5 to go + a large tonight. Swimming tonight as well. ๐Ÿ™‚

Leave a comment

Filed under Achievement, mental, personal, Phase 6, rant, water

Brain Sabbatical part 1

Just an FYI to all who might be crazy enough to check this blog that I am still here and around. This last week was not good for me…diet-wise, mental-wise, everything-wise!

But, I am still here, I am “back,” and this week is all about not necessarily starting over, because I’ve come way to far to say that I need to start over (that would be denying all the awesomeness I’ve already accomplished), but a reboot of the brain perhaps. Just think of it as my brain froze and like an awnry computer, needed to have a little ctrl+alt+delete love.

I’m such a nerd.

I don’t have time to wallow in what all happened last week just yet, I’ll get to that soon – maybe today if work is kind.

But I’m here, my dears. I am here and hungry – which is a good thing. 3 bottles of water in – 3 + 2 large to go.

4 Comments

Filed under mental, water

Triggers

It’s strange, because I’ve never really been one to say that I have triggers. I mean, nothing so far has caused me to go completely insane while on the plans, challenges, whatever you want to call it.

I think the only thing that I’ve ever splurged on has been wine or beer once or twice. Light beer. ๐Ÿ˜‰

But I will admit that I’m very aware of smells and sights with regards to food, moreso than ever, but nothing had yet sent a “trigger” into my mind.

And then I walked into the breakroom today. I smelled the most delicious, lovely, and dare I say triggering smell. The second I smelled it, it took me to years and years of fatty comfort. There was no sight to match the smell, but I knew what had been in there.

It was cinnamony, and buttery, and bread…y. I could swear that I was in a room that had created a fresh batch of cinnamon toast. And cinnamon toast and I have a history…

Used to when I would come home from school and want a snack, or I was depressed and wanted a snack, or was shaky from going too long without eating, or drinking too much caffeine in my thousand daily sodas – there was cinnamon toast.

cue the flashback sound fx here…

Not 1 or 2 pieces for me. No, 6 pieces were usually the norm. Not a tiny smattering a butter, but a slathery buttered up piece was considered perfect. I would do that part in secret, because 1 time my brother made fun of me for how much butter I put on my toast. After that I would usually make the toast as fast as possible to make sure that no one could see how much I put on there – or wait until the kitchen was clear.

I had it timed perfectly, oven warming up with the broiler on as I prepared the toast – and a pot of water heating up, because seriously, what is cinnamon toast without some cream of wheat (2 packets, please, with lots of butter and sugar). I slathered the pieces in butter, doused with sugar, and then of course, the cinnamon. Into the oven. 5-8 minutes later, water is boiling and toast comes out. Prepare the cream of wheat, then grab a plate. And here is the neurotic part: I would stack the pieces of toast on the plate – putting the most buttery, crunchy sugar-fied, beautiful piece on the bottom, and then stack the pieces on top of that one in order with the next best piece following, all the way until I got to the so-so piece to eat first – because as we all know,ย  you must SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST.

Eating the cinnamon toast and cream of wheat was an art form – using the sugary cream of wheat as a dip was a great way to eat the crusts. I would eat it all. And I would be “happy/feel better/less sad/less bored” because eating horrible foods is always a great way to cover up what’s really bothering you…

I continued this ritual, less frequently, through college, marriage…heck I can think of a couple of stressful days last year where I did this…

…end flashback…

All of that – that whole thing flashed through my mind when I walked into the breakroom today. I stood in there (alone thank God) for a good 30 seconds and inhaled. I hadn’t thought about cinnamon toast in what, 4 months? For 4 months I haven’t turned to food for comfort, celebration, love, acceptance – it’s a great feeling. But oh my gosh for those 30 seconds I remembered and missed and mourned the days of cinnamon toast and cream of wheat. And I think I finally glimpsed the smallest understanding of triggers…

And then I grabbed my last 2 bottles of water that I need to drink today at work and left the breakroom, and the wants, behind…

4 Comments

Filed under Achievement, food porn, mental, personal, sugar addict!, water

Crazy Monday!

I am running around like a crazy person today, work is slamming me this way and that, so this is my first opportunity to write, and I’m still stuck up here for another 20 minutes.

I don’t have time to do my SFC Challenge post today, so I’ll be a bit late!

I guess the nice thing about being so crazed today is not having to think very much about the food plan change that Allan has me on. I’m sure once I sit still tonight for 5 seconds it will hit me that I’m frakking hungry!

Other than that, just had to share – I went swimming on Saturday, when then have longer hours available, and I swam 3 miles!!! That’s 4800 meters, or 96 laps. I was so happy, even though I was definitely exhausted the rest of the day. Once this stupid boot comes off my broken foot (should be on Friday), I’ll be reintroducing some walking, so that hopefully I can get back on track to reach the mileage goal.

Only one pound down last week – but I had two big losses the weeks before, so I’ll take it! I’m so close to 50 pounds lost I can taste it!

More tomorrow, or maybe later tonight if I can!

End of work day – 5.5 bottles of water in, .5 to go, 2 large tonight! ๐Ÿ˜€

1 Comment

Filed under Achievement, exercise, mental, personal, water, weight loss

TGIF!

It is a beautiful Friday outside my office window today. I don’t have Good Friday off, but I must say that coming to work on a holiday isn’t horrible. My drive time went from 45 min+ to about 20 minutes, so that’s lovely!

AF is packing her bags and headed out of town finally. It’s been hard on me this week exercise wise, but the food is on track, so I’m feeling pretty good about this week over all.

So, as this journey has been progressing I’ve taken some progress photos. This morning I was brave enough to import them into Photoshop and place them side by side. There is definitely some progression happening, but I’m sorry to say I’m still too chicken to post them for the world to see. I know that’s silly, as what better forum to put them in than this…but give me another month or so and I think I’ll be there. ๐Ÿ˜‰

But, all that to say, there is progress happening here, and I am excited to see it. I am so close to being under 200 for the first time that I can remember, and I WANT IT!

No great and fabulous plans for the weekend – Brad and I are staying in our mutual cities this weekend (my mom being in the hospital kind of threw off our schedule), so my plans consist of swimming tomorrow morning, working on a freelance project (finally heard back, I’ve got the job!), and probably going to church with the Olds (my parents) on Sunday. Pretty relaxed and groovy, but that also makes it easy to stick to the plan! Thank goodness for that.

I hope everyone has a great weekend – any fun plans?

2 bottles of water in – 4 to go at work, 2 at home.

2 Comments

Filed under exercise, mental, personal, random, water

Cramps ><

WARNING: for those of you with boy-parts, this post may be classified as TMI.ย  ๐Ÿ˜‰

Staying Positive this Week!

Well, despite the fact that the lovely time of the month has finally started, I’m feeling pretty good. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it before on here, but ever since my miscarriage, each time AF (Aunt Flo) shows up, the cramps are much worse than they used to be. As I’ve talked about all the craziness that taking the progesterone entails, this is the last remnant of the crazy. Hopefully after this week I’ll be back to my own brand of normal.

But, I have me some strong drugs for the pain, so it’s mostly a dull roar throughout the day. Last night I hugged a pillow and a heating pad, and with the help of some Tylenol PM, it wasn’t too bad.

I did go swimming on Monday, since everything hadn’t really, er, gotten going by then. I must say that if you are having horrid cramps, and sore ta-tas from all this mess – swimming is pure heaven. Once I got in all the pain just simply stopped. I think if I could I would just stay in the pool for a whole week, lol!

I will say that I always thought any bloating would be going on BEFORE this lovely time, but it seems for me that it’s happening during. Nothing horrible, but the scale isn’t really moving in either direction – which is fine, after such a big weight loss (for me) last week, I’ll gladly take a week where not much happens, as long as it doesn’t go UP. I’m sure once this mess is over with things will start to move again.

Ok, if you haven’t been properly scandalized by now, I salute you!

But anyway, there’s really nothing else new to report. Besides feeling like someone is constantly punching me in the lower back, I’m actually in a pretty good mood! ๐Ÿ˜‰

3 hours left in the work day – 3 bottles of water in, 3 to go.

1 Comment

Filed under exercise, personal, random, water

SFC: Week #2

Before getting into my SFC post for the week, I just wanted to say hello to all my blog friends! Today has been a bad day for me. Got yelled at at work, had a cry-fest, all sorts of fun. Sadly I don’t think it would have normally been this bad, but I just stopped taking the Provera a few days ago, and the hormones they are a raging. I am looking on the positive side – all is fine at work in the long run, I didn’t comfort myself with food, and I freaking lost 4 pounds last week!

That being said, here is my SFC post:

My positive picture for the week:

This is a shirt I bought over a year ago, before the m/c and the weight piled back on. I couldn't fit into it as little as a month ago. It was almost loose on my last Friday! Please ignore the boot and the trashy paper towels behind me!

What have you done this last week to help achieve your goals?

  1. Get to Onederland! I lost 4 pounds last week! I guess the swimming finally kicked in, and I ate pristinely on plan. ๐Ÿ™‚ย 
  2. Try at least 8 new healthy recipes. I’ve found 2 new things I want to try, no actual cooking yet.
  3. Swim 500m freestyle without stopping. Last week, I got up to being able to swim 125m freestyle without a break, so that’s some progress.
  4. Send 10 Postcards with Postcrossing. Nothing yet.
  5. Buy Bradโ€™s Ring. I sent off the information to my freelance job that she needed as far as pricing, still waiting on hearing back.
  6. Read 6 new books. Nothing yet, need to make it to Half Price Books this week!
  7. Write 8 paper journal entries. Nothing yet.

What did you do this week to make you feel good about yourself?

I did give myself another little manicure, and then my mother and I also went shopping. We didn’t buy a whole lot of clothes, because I know that any clothes won’t last very long in transition, but I did get some new shoes that are so CUTE! (Thanks Mom!)

Is your mindset future-oriented or living in the now? How does this impact you when you are working towards a goal?

Oh this is a hard one. I would think that in this stage, I’m constantly future-oriented. Right now is going OK, but I’m looking forward to the day Brad is back home full time. I’m looking forward to being out of the 200’s, I’m looking forward to getting preggo…I am enjoying now for what it’s worth, but this is a year of working to goals for me.

Is there someone in your {real} life that inspires you to strive for the best?

My husband of course, he has always seen me the way I wanted to be seen, even if I never saw myself that way. He is the one that threw a mental bucket of cold water on me last year and helped me to wake up and start trying again. I always want him to be proud of me – and he always is. ๐Ÿ™‚

Fun Question of the Week: Do you read blogs on the individual websites or via Google Reader?

I always like looking at individual blogs, I have them set up in Google Reader, but looking at everyone’s blog is so much more personal…….that and I always forget about the reader, lol – old habits die hard I suppose. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Ok, time to dive back in to this crappy Monday. 4 bottles of water down, 2 to go at work. 2 large at home…and swimming tonight if it’s not too crowded!

Life's Journey with a Smile

Leave a comment

Filed under Achievement, exercise, mental, SFC, water, weight loss, [in]fertility

What Dreams May Come?

Happy Friday, Everyone! TGIF! ๐Ÿ˜€

Yesterday was good, productive, and I had a great swim last night. My arms are definitely feeling the workout, which is great for me because like many people on the weight loss road, I hate my upper arms.

Today has been a good day so far as well, it’s a nice lazy Friday up here at work (unless you’re working in the IT department, apparently there is some database crisis, so the nerds are running up and down the halls). So I’ve been doing a lot of reading, interspersed with minor work duties that I needed to cross off my list.

So last night, my brother told me about a dream he had had a few nights ago. He said that in his dream he met mine and Brad’s son. He said that he was a little boy, about 4 years old, and was the spitting image of Brad – red hair and all! He said that he ran up to him saying, “Uncle Jeff, Uncle Jeff!” and proceeded to tell him that some kids were bullying him. Jeff said that he told the kid “you’re untouchable, man, no one can hurt you!” or something to that effect.

I think that as little as 3-4 months ago, this would have made me sad, and started me on feeling sorry for myself. At the end of last year, after having a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy, anything baby-related would send me into a self-loathing funk.

For some reason though, this dream made me feel really hopeful and optimistic. I’m not trying to get all mystical about it, it just left me with a good feeling. I know we aren’t TTC for a few more months, but I almost feel like sometime soon I may get my wish.

Anyway, that’s my post for this beautiful day. It’s sunny and green outside my window – being in Texas I know the green will turn brown once the 100 degree days hit, so I’m enjoying this for as long as I can.

Work day halfway done – 3 bottles of water down, 3 to go. 2 large and workouts tonight.

Have a great Friday! ๐Ÿ˜‰

1 Comment

Filed under mental, personal, water, [in]fertility