That about sums up yesterday and today! As I’ve started the plan of torture for my body to follow (via Allan) I am remembering this feeling of hunger! It has been something that in the last few months sends me running across the hall to Brad’s office to ask when lunch time is…and now it’s like an old friend come to visit.
Weird, I know, but the hunger is a satisfying feeling. It’s something that lets me know that I’m actually doing something about my fatty body, and that now my body can work to consume ITSELF, instead of me consuming crap to kill myself slowly.
I’m slightly dark today, apparently, cause that sounds a wee bit morbid. But I guess I have reason. Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of losing my nephew Cooper to cancer. I was never really as close to him as I would have liked to have been, but his death had a profound effect on me. I posted about his death after it happened, and going back and reading that post was slightly haunting.
I don’t want to go into dramatics, but I think the situation with my nephew helped to snap my mind into a good place for this…no more wallowing in self-loathing because I’ve failed to make a baby (yet!), no more giving myself a thousand excuses to eat like a pig. Life is so precious, and I will never have a baby if I don’t get my PCOS and weight under control.
I am committed. No cheating.
And I was. I really was. For the first time in my life I started a diet and stuck to it. Of course life had given me a situation in which it was easier for me than ever, but I look back and I really am amazed at myself for what I did.
Of course that it a bittersweet thing, because I look at how I let life’s situations throw me WAY off course and derail me between then and now. I don’t regret, because I won my prize. My precious little girl who brightens up each day.
Somehow tragedy is always my slap in the face though. It wasn’t until the horrible Sandy Hook incident that I felt like someone through a bucket of icy water on my head. Something telling me to wake the fuck up and start taking care of the life I have. Why do I need the cathartic feeling of stuffing my face full of chemically enhanced garbage when I have this wonderful little girl to take care of and a husband who, seriously, is honestly the best man I know (besides my dad of course).
Today and through this I choose life, I am committed, no cheating.