Category Archives: sugar addict!

Feeling Crappy and Crabby

It’s day three on my journey into diet-land, and I’m feeling kinda crappy today…which in turn is making me feel pretty crabby.

I’m peeing every 10 minutes, which gets old. My body is also…getting rid of toxins in the only way it knows how, to put it delicately. I’m shaky, I’m cold, and…I’m about to have to get up and pee again.

(and back.)

On top of that, my throat is feeling scratchy, and I’m praying that I’m not about to get sick.

But, I’m here still, hanging on. Three 32oz servings of water already ingested, and it’s lunch time. I’m not having hardly anything, but that’s ok. I’m not really hungry today, just have that light-headed feeling as my body tries to figure out where all that nice sugary and fried food has gone to.

I really don’t want to be at work, I want to be in bed. I’m like a drug addict coming down and crashing. I know that I’m a bonafide sugar addict, and I’ve spent the last year feeding that addiction and letting it control me…and now that I’ve stopped cold turkey my body is NOT happy with me. Either that or it’s very happy and has a wicked way of showing it. I’m shaky, irritable, freezing (which is very strange, I’ve been running very HOT after being pregnant and having Rea…) and tired. I just want to sleep, and at night I am not sleeping well.

Ugh, I just want this first phase to be OVER! ><

I was catching up today on a blog that I always enjoyed reading back when I was in my weight loss hay day. It stars Mary, and she is honestly one of my biggest inspirations, if for no other reason than the fact that she is open, honest, and candid with her struggles. In one of her posts she talked about the “journey” of weight loss, and other things that life is tossing at her. You hear that so often, almost romanticizing the experience…but her her words resonated with me today.

When I get ahead of myself, I obsess and start to stumble – I do best when I focus on one day at a time. I’m forced to think about the word journey itself, which has French origins. It comes from a medieval word meaning how far you could go in one day. In modern French, there are two ways to say the word day – un jour and une journée. The former is more of a unit, whereas the latter has a subtle nuance that implies duration of time. For example, when saying goodbye to someone, you can say Bonne journée, which is sort of like, hey, enjoy the rest of your day.

It’s Day Three, and I think it’s gonna be my hardest. I’m hoping by tomorrow my body will calm down and start to realize that there is plenty of fat left on me and start eating it instead of screaming at me to eat more of it. My mind is a different story of course, but once my body starts to comply I am thinking that will help.

One day at a time…going to go pee now…

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Hunger

That about sums up yesterday and today! As I’ve started the plan of torture for my body to follow (via Allan) I am remembering this feeling of hunger! It has been something that in the last few months sends me running across the hall to Brad’s office to ask when lunch time is…and now it’s like an old friend come to visit.

Weird, I know, but the hunger is a satisfying feeling. It’s something that lets me know that I’m actually doing something about my fatty body, and that now my body can work to consume ITSELF, instead of me consuming crap to kill myself slowly.

I’m slightly dark today, apparently, cause that sounds a wee bit morbid. But I guess I have reason. Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of losing my nephew Cooper to cancer. I was never really as close to him as I would have liked to have been, but his death had a profound effect on me. I posted about his death after it happened, and going back and reading that post was slightly haunting.

I don’t want to go into dramatics, but I think the situation with my nephew helped to snap my mind into a good place for this…no more wallowing in self-loathing because I’ve failed to make a baby (yet!), no more giving myself a thousand excuses to eat like a pig. Life is so precious, and I will never have a baby if I don’t get my PCOS and weight under control.

I am committed. No cheating.

And I was. I really was. For the first time in my life I started a diet and stuck to it. Of course life had given me a situation in which it was easier for me than ever, but I look back and I really am amazed at myself for what I did.

Of course that it a bittersweet thing, because I look at how I let life’s situations throw me WAY off course and derail me between then and now. I don’t regret, because I won my prize. My precious little girl who brightens up each day.

Somehow tragedy is always my slap in the face though. It wasn’t until the horrible Sandy Hook incident that I felt like someone through a bucket of icy water on my head. Something telling me to wake the fuck up and start taking care of the life I have. Why do I need the cathartic feeling of stuffing my face full of chemically enhanced garbage when I have this wonderful little girl to take care of and a husband who, seriously, is honestly the best man I know (besides my dad of course).

Today and through this I choose life, I am committed, no cheating.

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Back at One

260.8

Whelp, what can I say?

Later on the same day as my last post, I found out that my dream had finally come true. I was pregnant! After 6 months of putting my body through its paces, it rewarded me by giving me a child. I now have a perfect, beautiful, wonderful 10-month-old baby, and her name is Reagan.

I also have 60 pounds of fat back on my body! 😦

Let’s just say the last 1.5 years have been both the most amazing, stressful, and trying time of my life (so far). I gave up my dream job to move back to Abilene…Brad graduated from his undergrad, but gave up going on for his Masters in order to come back to work as a Sales Manager. It just wasn’t feasible to continue down the track we were and raise a baby.

So, I got preggers and told the diet and working out to go eff themselves. After my miscarriage in 2009 I was scared to breathe, let alone work out. Once I knew things were ok, the impending stress of “oh my God, I’m going to be a mom,” and “Oh my God, how are we going to afford this??” drove me to eating like a freight train.

After my precious daughter was born, I went through the most dramatic (traumatic?) bought of baby blues. And on the tail-end of that we made the decision to move back to Abilene…which also meant I gave up a job that had meant so much to me. I spent the summer of 2012 depressed. I didn’t think I was at the time, but I think that had to have been what it was. Add in to that 3 or 4 failed attempts to reboot my diet, followed with that all-too familiar crash that comes afterwards (Taco Bueno, anyone?), and you have…this. I have totally brought myself 100% to where I was pre-awesome diet in 2011.

Of course my first thought is to cry (done that), feel sorry for myself (done that too), and grab some comforting pizza (done lots of that!). But obviously that’s not helping the situation. On some levels I can’t believe this happened, but on so many more levels I know that I can’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. It happened, I had a baby, and I would never EVER change that. But to be morbidly (ha!) honest, I’m not going to be any good to her in this shape. At this point I can’t hardly hold her for more than 5 minutes before needing to set her down because my back hurts, my arms hurt, I’m out of breath. How can I ever be a good mother, and a good example, if I don’t get my shite together?

So, I’m back. A little bruised ego, a LOT more me. A new town (I’ve got to find a pool!), new situations, new family. But I’m back, and I am determined. I’m back on a plan with Alan, he has a new challenge that starts tomorrow. I know starting something on Jan 1 is cliche and usually fails, but I think I needed a big start to get my rear in gear.

Lord, help me, I’ll need a bit of divine intervention here as well!

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Triggers

It’s strange, because I’ve never really been one to say that I have triggers. I mean, nothing so far has caused me to go completely insane while on the plans, challenges, whatever you want to call it.

I think the only thing that I’ve ever splurged on has been wine or beer once or twice. Light beer. 😉

But I will admit that I’m very aware of smells and sights with regards to food, moreso than ever, but nothing had yet sent a “trigger” into my mind.

And then I walked into the breakroom today. I smelled the most delicious, lovely, and dare I say triggering smell. The second I smelled it, it took me to years and years of fatty comfort. There was no sight to match the smell, but I knew what had been in there.

It was cinnamony, and buttery, and bread…y. I could swear that I was in a room that had created a fresh batch of cinnamon toast. And cinnamon toast and I have a history…

Used to when I would come home from school and want a snack, or I was depressed and wanted a snack, or was shaky from going too long without eating, or drinking too much caffeine in my thousand daily sodas – there was cinnamon toast.

cue the flashback sound fx here…

Not 1 or 2 pieces for me. No, 6 pieces were usually the norm. Not a tiny smattering a butter, but a slathery buttered up piece was considered perfect. I would do that part in secret, because 1 time my brother made fun of me for how much butter I put on my toast. After that I would usually make the toast as fast as possible to make sure that no one could see how much I put on there – or wait until the kitchen was clear.

I had it timed perfectly, oven warming up with the broiler on as I prepared the toast – and a pot of water heating up, because seriously, what is cinnamon toast without some cream of wheat (2 packets, please, with lots of butter and sugar). I slathered the pieces in butter, doused with sugar, and then of course, the cinnamon. Into the oven. 5-8 minutes later, water is boiling and toast comes out. Prepare the cream of wheat, then grab a plate. And here is the neurotic part: I would stack the pieces of toast on the plate – putting the most buttery, crunchy sugar-fied, beautiful piece on the bottom, and then stack the pieces on top of that one in order with the next best piece following, all the way until I got to the so-so piece to eat first – because as we all know,  you must SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST.

Eating the cinnamon toast and cream of wheat was an art form – using the sugary cream of wheat as a dip was a great way to eat the crusts. I would eat it all. And I would be “happy/feel better/less sad/less bored” because eating horrible foods is always a great way to cover up what’s really bothering you…

I continued this ritual, less frequently, through college, marriage…heck I can think of a couple of stressful days last year where I did this…

…end flashback…

All of that – that whole thing flashed through my mind when I walked into the breakroom today. I stood in there (alone thank God) for a good 30 seconds and inhaled. I hadn’t thought about cinnamon toast in what, 4 months? For 4 months I haven’t turned to food for comfort, celebration, love, acceptance – it’s a great feeling. But oh my gosh for those 30 seconds I remembered and missed and mourned the days of cinnamon toast and cream of wheat. And I think I finally glimpsed the smallest understanding of triggers…

And then I grabbed my last 2 bottles of water that I need to drink today at work and left the breakroom, and the wants, behind…

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March is Here…and the March Goes On

Well, it’s now March! I am at the same time excited and hating to see the year go by so fast. I’m excited because the faster this year goes, the faster the day comes when Brad will be graduated and back by my side full time.

I hate it because it makes me feel old. 😉

As it’s been said before out here in blog land, a year in our lives is just a breath…the journey from fat to thin should not take so long, compared to the years lived as a fatty, and the (hopefully!) years I can spend in the land of the thin. In One-derland. 😉

Last night I jogged my fasted time ever – I did a mile in 12:06! That’s faster than my fastest time, which was around 12:20 I believe…2 or 3 years ago when I was on my last weight loss attempt. I say attempt, because I don’t think I was ever fully present. Well, I don’t have to think, I know. My singular purpose for losing weight in those days was to have a child. I didn’t care about actually eating the right things. I just decided that less fat on my bones would allow a baby to move in. So, even though I was half-assed trying to treat the symptoms, I totally ignored the problem. I decided once I got pregnant that my journey would be over, then real life could begin. When I finally pregnant, I ate whatever I wanted…and then after the miscarriage I did not care what happened to my body – the more I could punish myself the better!

Don’t get me wrong, I learned a LOT during that time. I could probably tell you more about the reproductive process than you’d ever want to hear…and some stuff about nutrition too. Having that as a base I think allowed me to take a bit of the fast track  starting a new plan. But even though the end goal is still to someday have a child, I no longer allow myself to obsess about it. Believe me, I was OBSESSED. Accepting the fact that I could no longer put myself through that, and really choosing to focus on my overall health instead of just a baby has been a burden lifted I think. I can now enjoy the process, enjoy the journey, without putting so much pressure on myself. As Brad has told me many many times…when it’s time it’ll be time.

All that to say, what took me probably a year plus to work up to before (getting to a sub-13 minute mile) only took me 2 months to get back. And not just that – but beat it! That is definitely a reason to be proud I think.

Work is almost done – just another hour (I hang around the office for an extra hour to avoid traffic), and then a long walk with the dog, and some TV to watch.

Have a good evening, y’all! 🙂

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Monday!

Happy Monday to all out there in blog land. I am sitting here at work, just finished a tasty apple. It really was tasty, that’s not me being sarcastic.

Made it back to the Metroplex last night, followed by a run to Target for groceries, then a DVR fast-forward tour through the Oscars.

Today I am tired, but in a good mood. True to form, my good friend here at work that I was gushing about the other day is now in a semi-bad mood. I think his comes from not having really had a weekend because of so many activities his daughter was doing. That’s ok, I’ll allow him to be grumpy. 😉

It’s so weird, I never really paid as much attention to my moods before…I’m guessing maybe the foods I would eat to “comfort” myself would mask the severity of them? I mean, that coupled with the fact that my hormones were out of whack anyway…? Maybe.

I find myself today that even though I’m in a much much better mood that I keep thinking back to last week and the overall feeling that resulted from being so stressed. I mean, I’ve joked in the past about my “dark passenger,” but she was truly out and about last week. At some points last week I had convinced myself that I had made a horrible mistake by staying being in this job (that I love!) while Brad went back to finish school. I had convinced myself that it wasn’t going to go anywhere, and that if I even wanted to I would not find anything better, because my being here was a fluke. Add in to that some good old “your fat and ugly” self talk, and it’s amazing where you can end up.

I ended up feeling horrible and worthless last Thursday – while I was out on my walk of all places. That’s when I decided I had to get out of here for the weekend. I needed my husband.

We didn’t even have to talk about it. By the time I had arrived there, I had had some good time to self-reflect on the 3 hour drive. By that time I had been able to leave the crazy self-talk and the bad feelings on the road behind me. Driving a little fast may have helped…but I admit nothing! 😉

By late yesterday, as I started on the journey home, I started realizing just how sad it is to let myself get to that place…and how sad it is that I probably never realized that I was going to that place because I would mask with food. I don’t know if I’m making any sense here, but it was almost as if I were having some sort of panic attack on Thursday or something. It was very strange.

Anyway. Enough with the heavy stuff. Today is a new day, of a new week, and (almost!) a new month. Where January’s total loss was 15 pounds, February added another 11 pounds lost. I’m hoping in March I can get back up to 15. 🙂

I hope everyone has a wonderful week! 😀

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Not so Mad Anymore

no whiningSo, I was being a bit whiny the other day. Thanks to those who left comments, I’m mentally back in the game as it were. I didn’t mess up on food, or skip work-outs, so after I gave myself another pity party, all was better. I did think a bit about Princess Dieter‘s comment, I think perhaps I was adding too much salt to some foods…sometimes I just kind of crave salt, especially with eggs! So, I’m trying to watch that a bit more this week, hopefully if it was water weight, I’ll be able to shed some of that.

It’s not really getting easier, per se, to not comfort myself with food. But it’s definitely getting easier to anticipate that desire and keep myself busy doing other things. 😉

So, the weird thing is this – after feeling all bleh on Sunday after the weigh in, yesterday while getting ready for work, I noticed that to me I look a little smaller. This was the first day after losing 19 pounds that I actually felt that I could see a physical difference…albeit a small one. After that, I actually had a co-worker make a comment yesterday that I looked like I had lost a little. So, yay for mental boost!

Now, I don’t know if anyone else has this problem – but it always seemed that in the past when people would notice any weight loss with me…suddenly I would end up breaking a diet. I have not idea why that is. Someone makes a nice comment, I guess that makes me feel good and feel like I need to “reward” myself, and then after that, the diet just kinda spirals out of control. I guess that sounds kinda weird…but I’d like to keep my weight loss a “secret” as long as possible I suppose.

Of course the fact that I have observed that and can now anticipate that behavior as well probably helps. 😉

So, thanks again for the support guys, I am out of whiny-woman land…at least for a few more days! 🙂

This weekend will be interesting and filled with temptation – going to my Dad’s birthday party on Friday, then invited out with friends on Saturday…I need to email Allan with food questions…mrrrrr…

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! 😀

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Monday – New Starts

Starting LineThanks to all of you who commented, my insecurities and ego have now been fed, and I appreciate it! 😉

Today is the start – again – to Allan‘s challenge Phase 5. Those of you following the bloggy drama that was this last week know what I’m talking about…so crazy!

Thankfully, the drama is over, and the fun is beginning! We’re all back at the starting line. The grand prize for Allan’s challenge is a freaking trip to NYC! I am so excited…I know that I may not win, but there is a part of me that think I might have a good chance! I told Brad to start planning to go, I wanna win! 🙂

I didn’t lose as much as I wanted this last week, but I had the juxtaposition of not wanting to lose a lot too, just so I could have a good “starting number” for the challenge…lol, what a horrible thing to be thinking! But, I’ll take 2.5 pounds, yes sir! I’ve almost lost 20 pounds since Jan 1, 2011! I am still at awe with this. This is the first time that I can say in my life that the weight is dropping…not just consistently, but quicker than anything else I’ve ever tried. And I’ve tried…and tried…and tried (do you hear the cash register bells ringing here?). This time I’m not only determined to do it…but I don’t want to spend a freakin’ dime! I could join the little gym here at work – but I can just as easily walk outside (when I’m not trapped indoors because of the Snowpacalypse!). I could buy DVD’s, but they stream a lot of workouts online on Netflix!

I’m so thankful to have found Allan’s blog. When I first came across it in December, I thought that he was kinda weird and maybe slightly crazy…but going through the backlogs, I found myself almost surprised by the stupid simplicity. Eat less, move more. Don’t eat crap. The end.

I guess it was just what I needed to snap myself back to reality and out of the post-miscarriage funk I let myself live in for a year. Thank you Allan. I know you blog for you, but I read for me, and it helped me greatly.

Ok, enough with the sappy stuff. I’m on plan today, as usual, and finally back at work. 2 water bottles down, 4 to go before I leave here, that leaves only one big water bottle at home to drink tonight.

water

My water checklist I keep at work with me 😉

I’ll be venturing out to the park tonight for my first walk in 2 weeks (1 week sick, another stuck inside under the snow!). Hopefully I can still at least walk 4 miles!

Diet is fine for me…I AM modifying a bit, but that’s only because I’m trying to avoid refined breads and such because of the PCOS…so no pancakes or stuff like that for me…but I’m good to go with oatmeal! 😀

So there, you have it – Good luck to all on the challenge! I’m collecting blogs to check out through my email this morning, so glad to see everyone so enthusiastic! 🙂

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Mrrr!!!

I think I’m getting sick. I’ve got that swollen-when-I-swallow feeling, chills, and suddenly this afternoon I went down to ZERO energy. I’m so mad!

I don’t get it…I haven’t been sick in over a year! For the last month I’ve eaten the healthiest in a long time, plus been exercising at least every other day…NOW my body decides to get sick!? WTH!? I guess all the stupid walking in the 30 degree nights has gotten to me…no wonder my body felt like lead last night.

I am pissed – now water tastes horrible because of my stupid throat, and all I want to do is eat freakin’ comfort food (my staple would be cream of wheat and cinnamon toast when sick).

Why is this happening NOW? 😦 😦 😦

(for the record, I’m not going to have comfort food…I’m gonna just find me something soft like oatmeal and go to bed)

Ok, end of my rant.

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10 Pounds Down!

I know my little widget over there says 11, but that’s because it rounds down on the .5’s, and so I’ve technically lost 10 pounds and some change…but who’s counting!?

I was so excited to see the scale move a little more yesterday than  it did the previous week! In three weeks I’ve shaved 10 pounds off…which feels slow still, but I know that’s all mental.

So, after my awesome scale reading, even though the old me would have felt like celebrating with a big ol’ bag of these, instead I joined my brother and Brad at this restaurant for a “treat.”

Breakfast

omelet with feta cheese, mushrooms, spinach and tomatos. fresh fruit and wheat toast with a bit of strawberry jam

When I looked up all this on my MyFitnessPal, it estimated that the whole thing was 300 calories…of course it’s been cooked in a restaurant, which automatically means I’m going to count an extra 100-200 calories hiding in there somewhere. 😉

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it yet, but Brad’s been doing the diet with me, following along on Allan’s plan, and he won an award! And since my husband is crazy and refuses to create a blog, a Facebook account, or any other social media-ry, I guess it’s up to me to display it for him. I’m so jealous proud of him. 😀

Brad's Award

He’s such a nerd…hehe, of course now I just have to show him up over the next few weeks. 😉

Went for my 4 miles yesterday. I’ve decided to keep the distance at 4 miles per session for a while longer and work on speed. Last night my legs felt like 2 ginormous pieces of lead, so I wasn’t able to jog as much as I did last Thursday, but I finished – with a respectable time of 16:30 average per mile.

So, today is another day – another start to another week on plan. The eating part continues to get easier…I find myself meeting the caloric goals a little easier each day.

Of course, it would be today that the IT guys are ordering in pizza…I’ll just have to shut my door and enjoy my salad. 😉

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