Category Archives: personal

Changes

On February 18th, 2013, my dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack. I had seen him just the day before as we celebrated the February birthdays in my family – his and Reagan’s included. On February 22nd, he would have been 69 years old. Instead we held a funeral.

It’s so weird to write that. Even though it’s said and done and I’ve cried, been pissed, and also relieved that he’s no longer struggling for air on oxygen tanks. It sucks.

Reagan turned one on February 21st. I can’t describe in words how achingly thankful I am that she was able to celebrate her first birthday with her grandfather. But Jesus I miss my Dad.

So, I don’t know. Weight wise I’m good. I ate crap that people brought to my parents’ house the week he died, but I’m standing on the other side of the whole thing having lost a few pounds. I did binge on food once the day after we got back in to town. Which was very odd…I’ve never been a “binge-er” to speak of. It was a very strange sensation, being out of control of what I was eating and eating to basically make myself feel pain. I’ve been back to work out a few times since…but both times have been extremely difficult as far as my body cooperating…out of breath, feeling like I weigh a ton.

But, I am trying to creep back into reality. The “changes” title of this post is still unknown even to me…I’ve been thinking about switching up the blog, maybe moving it to a new URL. I dunno…I have too many blogs that focus on different aspects of my life…I started a “mommy blog” a little over a year ago but I’m not really feeling it…it’s too fake and it’s goal was to make money…not to display the real me. I’m just not that type of blogger…when it becomes work then what is the point? I’m thinking of combining that blog and this blog and maybe making something new and authentic…

I don’t know, it’s hard to think of silly things like blogs these days. But I know that if I don’t have somewhere to go and gripe on life then I’ll probably burst as well.

So that’s about it, I just wanted to poke my head into the digital stratosphere and let it know that I’m here.

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Not Created Equal

This weekend was awesome! Brad and I took our little trip to the Metroplex, and we had a great time! We were able to see the Titanic Exhibit, which was pretty cool, though we were both just slightly disappointed…Well, not dissapointed I guess, but we just thought it was going to be a little “more.” We also spent the entire day Saturday walking and exploring the rest of the museum, and it was great!

light brite

Brad and Rea on a giant light brite!

This bow stayed on her head for about 2.5 seconds at a time...

This bow stayed on her head for about 2.5 seconds at a time…

The hotel was great, and it was just nice to have a weekend where we were just doing stuff that WE wanted to do!

I also tried a bit of an experiment this weekend, and was half surprised, half not by the results. This time around on the old diet train, I am working on trying to prepare myself more mentally for the “after.” When I lost so much in 2011, I was focused, focused, focused on losing the weight and FAST. My goal was to get preggo. Once I did, I went slightly insane in the eating department. This time around I am trying to be mindful of what I’ll do when I reach the goal. I’ve read so many blogs about people who lose the weight only to start gaining it back because they just weren’t ready to be at goal. Or what if I get pregnant again on the way down? I can’t just decide that that’s a free buffet ticket again.

So, this weekend, I continued counting calories, and continued to stay under my daily limit, but I didn’t necessarily pay as much attention as to where those calories came from. I ate whatever the people I was with were eating, as long as I didn’t go over my limit.

And of course, not only did I not eat nearly as much in quantity, but my body was definitely very unhappy with the quality. And the scale this morning reflected as much. And overall week-to-week loss still, but depressing in the measly amount! It’s almost comical that I ate hardly as much in quantity compared to “good” foods, so not only was I unsatisfied overall, but my body gave me the old fat finger as a reward. This is why plans like Weight Watches are so frustrating. Sure, I’d eventually lose weight, but infinitely slower and I would learn nothing.

So, the moral of the story is that calories are NOT created equal. Which, really, duh.

And now...Dinosaur!

And now…Dinosaur!

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Isn’t that always the way?

WARNING: Boys, advert your eyes, cause this post mentions some girly gross stuff. It might even have cooties.

I’m totally plugging on in diet lifestyle change land again this week. I’ve been to the work-out-atorium twice, been below my caloric goal each day, found a new blog for inspiration that I’m devouring, and basically having a grand old time. It’s been a bit hard this week since Brad’s had to work late so much. There’s a Big Cahoona coming in for quarterly review mess tomorrow, so it’s all hands on deck at work.

I woke up this morning while Brad was already in the shower, and it was one of those mornings where I woke up, and I just kind of felt thinner. Laughable, at still over 240, I know, but it was just one of those warm and fuzzy moments where my body was telling me that “Hey, you’re doing the right thing. Thanks for feeding me awesome foods and exercising, cause I’m totally digging that.”

I was getting up out of bed all set to say “You’re welcome body, I’m glad that we can work together as a team again,” when BAM. I could totally tell that I had started my period.

You know that feeling..standing up after being in bed…you know what I mean. UGH!

And let me remind my dearest readers that this sensation is not really one that I’m quite accustomed to. Having had PCOS since I was a teenager, I used to only have a lovely visit from nature maybe once a year. And I was ok with that.

Until, you know, finding out that dealing with periods was kind of a thing you HAD to do if you wanted children. But then, it was even better, because I always knew when I was going to have a period, because I was an OCD-cycle-tracking-desperate-to-get-pregnant person.

I’d heard before that after you have a child that sometimes a woman’s body can regulate itself. I didn’t really thing that would happen to me, especially after having gained back so much weight. But I guess it has. Which not only is decidedly inconvenient on the whole being completely surprised thing…but now I’ve got to remember that we can totally get pregnant again…without having to have a bunch of docs involved, etc. That’s awesome…except we are NOT ready to get preggers again so soon!

It may sound VERY silly. But I’ve been married for 13 years, and didn’t have to worry about…um…prevention. Looks like I have some phone calls to make…

So yeah. AT LEAST I know why I’ve been crying at TV commercials and songs for the last few days. Seriously – the TV was set to “Toddler Tunes” yesterday for Reagan, and even reading some of the album titles made me start to cry! (Stay a Baby Forever, I’ll always be Your Mom, etc etc…..oh and don’t EVEN get me started about this song. Jeez!)

Sheesh! All you “normal” womens…I don’t know HOW you do this hormone thing!!! ><

The only other craziness to report is that I had a business lunch today in which lunch was provided. My choices were chopped beef brisket, potato salad, beans and sausage…which giant pieces of fluffy white bread if you wanted to make a sandwich. Oh and a river of BBQ sauce flowed through it.

(I’m in Texas. This is typical.)

I felt obligated to eat it. It was a meeting with a new client for freelance work (building them a website), and they provided lunch. I had a little bit of the beef brisket on bread, and some of the potato salad. After putting the amount I had into MyFitnessPal and overestimating (since I have no idea how this stuff was cooked!), I am guessing I had about 632 calories. It was SO not worth it. The sad thing is that I left about half of the serving of brisket that I took on my plate. Sad as in calories that is. I actually found it very difficult to leave food on the plate (“clean your plate, there’s starving children somewhere!”), so of that I was very proud. But the fact that I wasted over half of what I try to stick to each day on such a measly meal (and greasy, my stomach is NOT happy) is really annoying.

Despite all this, I’m in a pretty good mood, lol!

Question of the Day: What awkward situations have you found yourself in when food is provided? When have you had to force yourself to eat something juts to be nice or save face?

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Eek! 2nd Place!

Hello to the blog-o-sphere! I am still alive and kicking it. Last week was definitely challenging for me, as I’m still not able to kick the last remnants of being sick a couple of weeks ago. I’ve got a cough that’s annoying as all get out, which has made swimming all but impossible. I did manage to make it out one night last week, but paid for it hard the next day. So, I’ve had to avoid swimming until last night, where I got back on track. It’s still a bit harder, but I was able to complete the mile. On top of that, I’ve been craving foods like crazy lately – I must have had something to trigger an insane craving for refined carbs…get behind me, white breads and pastas! You’re not welcome here.

Work has still been extremely crazy, as it seems that will be the status quo for the entire summer while all these simultaneous projects are going on. So, my blog-reading/writing time that I was able to achieve before on down time has been suffering – because believe me, after staring at a computer all day at work, I’m avoiding them at home!

So, I was so incredibly surprised and excited beyond measure to see that I’ve come in 2nd place in Allan’s Phase 5 challenge!! I knew I probably didn’t have a chance of catching up to Elizabeth C ( whoever she is! πŸ˜‰ ) when I saw the stats last posted a month ago – but I’m so proud to know that at least I was the closest one to her…even if I was still way behind percentage wise. Now I’ve just got to take a pic of my feet on a scale and send it to Allan, Lol!

So, please imaging me sitting here doing the happy dance!

I'm so excited!

REALLY EXCITED!

(ignore my giant nose please…) πŸ˜›

So, for Phase 5, here are my stats:

Click the Image for a Larger View

Once again – I’m incredibly grateful to Allan for putting all of this together. I’m enjoying Phase 6, even though it’s probably the hardest thing to get used to. My body put out great numbers for 2 weeks in a row, and last week’s number was bleh, so I’m hoping for a good number this week…one that may include a ONE as the first digit. That would make my freakin’ day!

Once again – thank you, Allan – as I told him in an email, I’ve lost more weight in the last 6 months than I ever did in the previous 16 years of trying. For him to put this all together for complete strangers and for FREE speaks truly of his character. I look forward to continuing my journey with him and the other Challengers – because I’m only halfway done!

That being said, I’m the one that freaking put down the fork and got my butt in gear, so now that credit has been given where it’s due – YAY ME! I’M FREAKING AWESOME!!! πŸ˜€

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Filed under Achievement, exercise, mental, personal, Phase 6, weight loss

Where Do I Fit?

This last week was great for me – not only did I get back on track with the plan, but I had some great personal news and work was humming along. I’m still looking at being crazy busy over the next few months, but sometimes I feel like I do my best work when I’m swamped.

So, I’m starting to experience something new and very foreign to me – shopping in normal stores. I’ve bought some jeans at Old Navy a few weeks ago, but that was mostly to see if I could fit into them. Now, I’m finding that the majority of my old work clothes make me look like I’m a child playing dress up in Mom’s closet. So last Friday I set out to buy a couple of work shirts.

I’ve shopped almost exclusively at Lane Bryant for my entire adult life. This was the one place I could go and feel safe when trying on clothes. After too many dressing room experiences ending in tears (and a comforting pizza mostly likely) over the years, I knew that Lane Bryant was that one place where I could feel “normal” when looking for clothes. I wouldn’t have to find something gorgeous only to find that the largest size it came in was at least 2 sizes smaller than me. For years, if I walked into a store in the mall, a Target, or any place that sold clothes that didn’t say Lane Bryant on the outside (or Avenue, as I discovered that place only a couple of years ago)…I never even went into that section to see what was available – I knew that it would never be “available” to me.

So, on Friday when I decided to get a couple of new shirts, I definitely did it while trying to stifle some anxiety.

I started at a Kohl’s, because I knew they had a “women’s” section. I grabbed a few cute shirts, instinctively grabbing a 2XL. I figured that should be big enough for me, thinking that the cut of shirts in a “normal” store must surely run small. Well, those were too big. O.o I grabbed a 1X, which seemed to fit just right, and I was so surprised by how many options were suddenly open to me. I ended up choosing just one shirt that I couldn’t live without, and then repeated the process at Old Navy, where once again I was shocked to find that a 2X was too big.

So…here is my conundrum though…and where I’m hoping that maybe someone out there who has gone through this process before can maybe help me. This ignorance simply comes from years of avoidance of normal clothing stores:

At Kohl’s, the women’s section started off their sizing at 1X. Now, I know that “petites” section is supposed to be for ladies with short torsoes or legs, right? So I can’t shop there. There was also a section there called “Misses,” but their version of a 1X was definitely smaller…is this still the right section to start shopping next? Or is there some magical other section out there? Lol, I’m sure this is one of the all-time stupidest questions, but I honestly have no clue what section of a department store I’ll need to be shopping in in 20 pounds or so. Stores like Target and Old Navy aren’t hard to figure out, but I’m talking about when I need to find work clothes…has anyone out there gone through this? I figure I’ll Google this as well, but I just thought I’d see if anyone out there has any light to shed…

Anyway, sorry for a rambling post – yay for smaller clothes! That was definitely a mood-lifting NSV! Another one is this photo:

Jacket!!! O.o

So, I have developed, through the years, a sort of jacket addiction. Perhaps it’s a layover for being so overweight for so many years, and nothing covers up everything like a cute jacket. I found this jacket at Kohl’s on their sales rack and thought it was so cute! There was only one, and in an XL. I was sooooo tempted to get it, but it was almost too large on me (!!!). And since I plan to be smaller before it would be cool enough outside to wear this, I begrudgingly put it back on the rack. But not before I had Brad snap a photo of me in it.

Lol, so I guess yay for a clothes victory and an impulse by resistance victory. πŸ˜‰

It’s Monday – rainy outside, but I’m 4 pounds lighter than I was this time last week. 2 bottles of water in, 4 to go today and 1 large tonight + swimming!

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Brain Sabbatical part 2 (Also known as the Brain Returns!)

I blinked and suddenly it’s Wednesday? Craziness!

Work has ramped up a LOT on me lately, so I’m hoping to keep some semblance of regular posting, but I can’t make any promises. It’s very exciting: a project which I am the lead on got green lighted by the big dogs! It’s very awesome, but since they want to do the launch on August 1st it looks like my summer just got crazy. I’m not trying to be cryptic of course, but yes purposely vague. πŸ˜‰

In other news, my Brain has returned from sabbatical and I am back to following the plan to the letter. I’m over myself and the beating up process. But for my own record and such, here is the short version of what happened last week.

I finally did that thing that I said I wouldn’t do this time around. I started feeling awesome about the progress I’ve made and decided to “reward” myself with food. It was Mother’s Day, I was hanging with my family and they wanted to go to my parents’ favorite Mexican restaurant. Now, I’ve gone with them 1 or 2 times since starting on plan this year, but I’ve been very careful to stick to salad, no chips, etc. Well that night I decided that I deserved chips and salsa. And a meal.

Now going by calories alone, with estimating high, I never went over Phase 5 calories (1200 – I had not hardly eaten anything that day to save up!), but as I’m sure others out there can relate to…this sent me into some sort of downward diet spiral.

The week after that (last week), I was traveling for work where there were several business lunches and dinners. Then, the day I came back there was a funeral for a close family friend. And then Friday…well let’s just say beer and leave it at that.

Two things: 1.) I didn’t gain any weight. I was a little crazy, but I wasn’t stupid either. I ate non-plan foods, but kept tracking the calories as best I could and didn’t really go over the weekly total for Phase 5. Obviously though the foods were definitely not what they were supposed to be. The result was maintainance on my weight, which was not the best but also better than it could have been for sure.

2.) I’m almost glad this happened. It sucked and it was scary at the time, because I know so many times before when I “messed up” that it was over. I’d beat myself up about it, console with food and start the climb back up the scale. It was extremely, extremely hard to get back on track mentally. That one dinner on Sunday sent me into a week long madness it seemed. Now, it was an unusual week because I was out of my routine and had crazy things going on, but still – I have had crazy weeks before this one and did fine, even if I had to improvise.

But, I finally shook off the crazy this weekend, went to the grocery store, and had a nice long chat with myself. As I mentioned on Monday, I am hungry. Seriously – going from mostly liquids on Allan‘s Phase 6 trial, to way too many restaurant meals, and back to liquids? My body has definitely been screaming at me this week. Right now I am hungry for sure. But, I am mentally strong again.

So, work day is almost done. 5.5 bottles of water in, .5 to go + a large tonight. Swimming tonight as well. πŸ™‚

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Friday Wrap-Up

It’s Friday! And I’m in a weird mood, of course, lol!

Weight is doing better, I’m basically back to where I was at the end of last week, so I’m not exactly sure what happened, but I’m satisfied with at least getting back to where I was. I’ve still been going on Phase 6 steadily.

The weird mood comes from other areas – fighting the constant urge to obsess over fertility and the what if’s and charting and all the madness that it can bring. I keep having to remind myself that Brad and I aren’t even actively “trying” (meaning, I’m not on fertility drugs right now), so my chances of everything actually working on its own are slim.

And that’s ok. I don’t believe that 100% yet, but it is.

Also been spending a lot of time thinking about work, and talking with a close co-worker friend about the whole “what do you want to do?” As in, where do I want to go from here, eventually? And of course I have no answer. I mean, if money were no object, I think I’d be content to stay where I am – it’s safe, familiar, and I am confident in my abilities. But if I choose to say that money is an issue, then it’s something to think about.

I don’t care for thinking of it, I’m notoriously adverse to change, so I’m avoiding right now.

I miss Brad this week – he’s got finals next week so we’ve hardly been able to talk at all because he’s been constantly studying. I’ll see him a little next week, as I’m traveling to a nearby station to do some training for them, and then he’ll come back to visit here a week from this weekend. But today I miss him a lot.

I’m not depressed, or sad per se, but I guess I’m just kind of melancholy today. Reflective. Ha, I guess you could just call it moody. πŸ˜‰

But it’s Friday – and maybe a weekend will do me good. Going for another 3 mile swim attempt tomorrow. I’ve decided that I probably won’t be able to jog for a while still, because my foot is still pretty sore when I walk for a while on it. I’m pricing bikes. πŸ˜‰

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Less Broody

Just a quick mobile update. I’m feeling much better tonight.

I think I just needed to get all of that broodiness out in the open earlier, because shortly after I started to feel like “myself” again – or at least the dieting self that I’ve become over the last 4 months. No cheating, some craving, but I stayed true to phase 6 today.

But because I’m a sucker, I did weigh this afternoon, and I’m happy to report that the number was much lower than this morning – more of a number that I would expect to see with an afternoon weigh in. I know, I’m more than a number, and all that crap, but it sure did give me some relief. πŸ˜‰

Oh and to Debbie and Princess, it may have been hormone related – not a period, but if I did actually ovulate on my own, then it should have happened sometime between sunday and today, so I can’t rule out the fact that it might be affecting my weight. πŸ˜‰

I just got back from swimming about 20 minutes ago, and enjoyed my evening plan foods.

Anyway, I figured I wanted to end the day back on shiny and happy. πŸ™‚

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Brooding

I’m trying to stay shiny and happy, but I’m definitely feeling broody and anxious about diet-land right about now.

I was thrilled at the loss last week on Phase 6, I did awesome. I survived a “dinner” with my parents (in which I watched them eat and stood my ground explaining why I was not). I survived the weekend with Bradley, who loosely sticks to the plan but is more focused on school than anything, and is still losing weight at a pace he enjoys.

And then there was yesterday.

Brad’s scale is notoriously nicer than my scale – in so much that it usually is 1-2 pounds lighter than mine. So, when reporting my weight last weekend I kept that in mind, having weighed myself on my scale a day before, I averaged. And I was thrilled that they were playing nicely with each other. I stayed on plan and was content.

Until yesterday, when I weighed in (yes, I cheat and weigh almost daily now, sue me). And my scale decided to be especially evil. And I’m talking like – insane difference. Like 5+ pounds difference. Not just different from Brad’s, but different from what it was telling me itself last week.

I’m not usually one to let the numbers bother me too much, I know weight fluctuates, I know water retention fluctuates. But seriously??

And then of course, I started looking at my old TTC sites yesterday (TTC = Trying to Conceive, for the initiated). I started daydreaming about pregnancies and babies…….which inevitably leads me to think about miscarriages and false hopes. Not consciously I guess, but by the time I got home and was standing looking at my swimsuit, I was in a horrible mood. It didn’t take much to talk myself out of going.

I need to work on that still.

All that to say, I skipped swimming last night, and I ingested more than I should have. Not that there’s really much cheating you can do on Phase 6, thank goodness. But I was craving things, oh yes. Luckily I was able to talk myself off of ledges, but I am still craving things today…comfort I suppose. I dunno.

I weighed myself again this morning, scale is still giving me the big fat middle finger. So, I don’t know if it’s water retention or what – I swear there’s hardly anything else in me to be retained!!!

I’ve been battling with being moody all morning, and feeling like I’ve taken giant steps backyard. I know that it’s not true – heck, even if my scale is being accurate, I still weigh less than I ever remember in my adult life. I guess it’s just hard not to feel defeated at it. And I know I’m being whiny, and a girl but hell, I DO have a vagina, it’s just going to happen. Right now I’m just trying to process this objectively and convince myself that all this work isn’t for nothing.

So, swimming tonight, staying away from pregnancy sites, and putting the scale away for a couple of days. I may not have a loss this week, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let numbers and my own stupid broody brain to crack me any more this week.

Grrr…

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Old Pictures

Just a quick Saturday post! Brad and I were looking though some old pictures this weekendΒ  when we came across one in particular. We started talking about how different our faces look. We took a new one today, so I could put them side by side for a comparison. It’s craziness, but also fun to look at:

I think we were both around our heaviest here...and now today we are our lightest since we were teenagers.

Losing weight is hard, but looking at the difference is so much fun.

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