Category Archives: mental

Well Now I HAVE To…

I registered today for my first 5k since like…2007?

The Color Run!

The Color Run!

Yay! My friend Christi told me about the race and suggested that we plan to go a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I’d have to wait until today (pay day) to register…which gave me a bit over a week to decide. I’ve been a bit on the fence, because running is not really my strong suit…from breaking my foot to not being able to really breathe, etc…plus I’m still over 240 freaking pounds. But, I as I read recently on Katie’s blog (LOVE her blog, I’ve been reading the whole thing from the beginning!), signing up for a race is a good way to stay motivated to actually run. Don’t you love our team name? We’re the Meandering Monochromes! 😉

The race is 10 weeks away, and the Couch to 5k plan takes 9 weeks to complete. So, starting Monday, I’m in training. I’m so excited, this race looks Amazing!

I’ve been having such a hard time working out lately, Brad’s late nights keep being late, and I am so out of energy after chasing a 1 year old around the house all evening. So, it’s come down to the decision that I should have made a month ago – I’m going to have to commit to getting up early. I HATE waking up early. Hate with about as capital and H as you can get. But, I figure that even if I have to get up to go to the YMCA to work out on the treadmill, I’d still only have to wake up about 45 minutes earlier than I do already.

(still hate it)

I plan on just running around my neighborhood, since 1 lap around our little division is just a little bit over exactly 1 mile.

(did i mention the hate bit?)

Ok, I’ll stop being snarky now, I’ve just got to work through my inner temper-tantrum throwing three year old and just do what is best. Besides, that means that I don’t have to have anxiety all day wondering how I’m going to fit in a workout, right?

We are going to my parents’ house tonight, so I’m going to bug out of work a little early, go home to pack, and then wait for Brad to get off work so we can go. My parents’ aren’t going to be able to make it to Reagan’s birthday party here next week (my dad is on oxygen and isn’t up to traveling yet), so we’re going to have a February birthdays party there tomorrow. My brother is Feb 1, Rea is Feb 21, and then my dad is Feb 22. I’m looking forward to it, but I could also lay down and go to sleep right now, my allergies are killing me! I don’t to be stuck in a car for 2 hours today…

I’m so whiny today, aren’t I!? Ugh!

What about you guys? Any fun weekend plans?


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Filed under 5k, Couch to 5k, exercise, mental

Not Created Equal

This weekend was awesome! Brad and I took our little trip to the Metroplex, and we had a great time! We were able to see the Titanic Exhibit, which was pretty cool, though we were both just slightly disappointed…Well, not dissapointed I guess, but we just thought it was going to be a little “more.” We also spent the entire day Saturday walking and exploring the rest of the museum, and it was great!

light brite

Brad and Rea on a giant light brite!

This bow stayed on her head for about 2.5 seconds at a time...

This bow stayed on her head for about 2.5 seconds at a time…

The hotel was great, and it was just nice to have a weekend where we were just doing stuff that WE wanted to do!

I also tried a bit of an experiment this weekend, and was half surprised, half not by the results. This time around on the old diet train, I am working on trying to prepare myself more mentally for the “after.” When I lost so much in 2011, I was focused, focused, focused on losing the weight and FAST. My goal was to get preggo. Once I did, I went slightly insane in the eating department. This time around I am trying to be mindful of what I’ll do when I reach the goal. I’ve read so many blogs about people who lose the weight only to start gaining it back because they just weren’t ready to be at goal. Or what if I get pregnant again on the way down? I can’t just decide that that’s a free buffet ticket again.

So, this weekend, I continued counting calories, and continued to stay under my daily limit, but I didn’t necessarily pay as much attention as to where those calories came from. I ate whatever the people I was with were eating, as long as I didn’t go over my limit.

And of course, not only did I not eat nearly as much in quantity, but my body was definitely very unhappy with the quality. And the scale this morning reflected as much. And overall week-to-week loss still, but depressing in the measly amount! It’s almost comical that I ate hardly as much in quantity compared to “good” foods, so not only was I unsatisfied overall, but my body gave me the old fat finger as a reward. This is why plans like Weight Watches are so frustrating. Sure, I’d eventually lose weight, but infinitely slower and I would learn nothing.

So, the moral of the story is that calories are NOT created equal. Which, really, duh.

And now...Dinosaur!

And now…Dinosaur!

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Filed under mental, personal, random


Last night my dear husband was kind enough (and got home from work at a normal time, so was able) to watch Reagan for me for an hour so I could steal a workout. I say “kind enough” as if he’s some sort of ogre who doesn’t pull his weight! Brad is actually an amazing husband, and an even better father. His dad was a deadbeat, so I think it’s very important to him to be incredibly involved with Rea.

But I digress. Suffice it to say I felt guilty for going and Brad told me to shut up and get out and work out. 😛

And I did.

And it was HARD. The second workout is kind of like the the third day of dieting. It’s usually a pretty crappy experience which takes a LOT of mental willpower to get it done.

But I did! Only another 30 minutes on the elliptical. I was huffing and puffing like an 80 year old smoker at about 10 minutes in. I was so much tougher than it was on Saturday. I was THIS close to stopping at 20 minutes, but I just stopped for about 20 seconds, took a drink, and mentally just said “no, we’re doing this.”

I am not so sore today, but I think tomorrow I’ll be hobbling like that 80 year old smokers mom.  😛

Some workout pics for your viewing pleasure…


I put my jacket up in a locker…and chose a number that would definitely remember! My starting weight…262

workout complete

Yay for another complete workout! Of course MyFitnessPal gave me more calories burned: 573


Post-workout face. It strategically hides my bad workout hair (hair is too short to wear a ponytail, so it’s a bandana basically), and my fat chin.

So that’s my 2nd workout experience. Yay for getting out again! I don’t know when I’ll be able to get out again this week yet, but I’m hoping to be able to go a third time before going out of town this weekend! 🙂

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Filed under Achievement, exercise, mental

So {cautiously} Excited!

So I stepped on the scale yesterday very tentatively hopeful. I felt like my pants were starting to fit microscopically better so I thought I had for sure lost a few pounds, and I was not disappointed! 8 pounds of fatty nastiness was gone! Well, probably more like 8 pounds of mostly water weight released. I’m not stupid, I know that I would have to be suffering from some serious medical condition not to have produced a good number. But I will admit it was a bit higher than I was hoping for!

I’m finally over the new-diet-where-is-all-the-fatty-food headache that my body was putting me through last week. And I did “splurge” a bit this weekend on calories (not going over my max, but a bit over what I took in daily last week), but I was luckily able to splurge on things like extra eggs or broccoli or some other healthy choice. I came so close to a real cheat! It’s much harder doing this with a husband around, lol! He has been so great and supportive, almost TOO much so. He kept trying not to eat around me, or eat certain things around me, and I finally had to tell him that by doing that we was starting to make me feel very self-conscious and feel like I needed to break the diet to make HIM feel better. And besides, the world is going to watch what they eat around me, I have to get used to being surrounded by less-than-optimal choices and choosing the right ones.

We went to the grocery store last night and stocked up on many more healthy options for me to have. I think the biggest issue for me over the weekend was that there weren’t many healthy alternatives for me to snack on.

So here I am, and I can bet this week will be even harder…not because of hunger or my body being crazy…but because after seeing an 8 pound loss it’s easy to want to try and justify that one little treat…so, my next challenge is getting through week two! Wish me luck! 😉


Filed under Achievement, mental, weight loss

Feeling Crappy and Crabby

It’s day three on my journey into diet-land, and I’m feeling kinda crappy today…which in turn is making me feel pretty crabby.

I’m peeing every 10 minutes, which gets old. My body is also…getting rid of toxins in the only way it knows how, to put it delicately. I’m shaky, I’m cold, and…I’m about to have to get up and pee again.

(and back.)

On top of that, my throat is feeling scratchy, and I’m praying that I’m not about to get sick.

But, I’m here still, hanging on. Three 32oz servings of water already ingested, and it’s lunch time. I’m not having hardly anything, but that’s ok. I’m not really hungry today, just have that light-headed feeling as my body tries to figure out where all that nice sugary and fried food has gone to.

I really don’t want to be at work, I want to be in bed. I’m like a drug addict coming down and crashing. I know that I’m a bonafide sugar addict, and I’ve spent the last year feeding that addiction and letting it control me…and now that I’ve stopped cold turkey my body is NOT happy with me. Either that or it’s very happy and has a wicked way of showing it. I’m shaky, irritable, freezing (which is very strange, I’ve been running very HOT after being pregnant and having Rea…) and tired. I just want to sleep, and at night I am not sleeping well.

Ugh, I just want this first phase to be OVER! ><

I was catching up today on a blog that I always enjoyed reading back when I was in my weight loss hay day. It stars Mary, and she is honestly one of my biggest inspirations, if for no other reason than the fact that she is open, honest, and candid with her struggles. In one of her posts she talked about the “journey” of weight loss, and other things that life is tossing at her. You hear that so often, almost romanticizing the experience…but her her words resonated with me today.

When I get ahead of myself, I obsess and start to stumble – I do best when I focus on one day at a time. I’m forced to think about the word journey itself, which has French origins. It comes from a medieval word meaning how far you could go in one day. In modern French, there are two ways to say the word day – un jour and une journée. The former is more of a unit, whereas the latter has a subtle nuance that implies duration of time. For example, when saying goodbye to someone, you can say Bonne journée, which is sort of like, hey, enjoy the rest of your day.

It’s Day Three, and I think it’s gonna be my hardest. I’m hoping by tomorrow my body will calm down and start to realize that there is plenty of fat left on me and start eating it instead of screaming at me to eat more of it. My mind is a different story of course, but once my body starts to comply I am thinking that will help.

One day at a time…going to go pee now…

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Filed under mental, rant, sugar addict!


That about sums up yesterday and today! As I’ve started the plan of torture for my body to follow (via Allan) I am remembering this feeling of hunger! It has been something that in the last few months sends me running across the hall to Brad’s office to ask when lunch time is…and now it’s like an old friend come to visit.

Weird, I know, but the hunger is a satisfying feeling. It’s something that lets me know that I’m actually doing something about my fatty body, and that now my body can work to consume ITSELF, instead of me consuming crap to kill myself slowly.

I’m slightly dark today, apparently, cause that sounds a wee bit morbid. But I guess I have reason. Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of losing my nephew Cooper to cancer. I was never really as close to him as I would have liked to have been, but his death had a profound effect on me. I posted about his death after it happened, and going back and reading that post was slightly haunting.

I don’t want to go into dramatics, but I think the situation with my nephew helped to snap my mind into a good place for this…no more wallowing in self-loathing because I’ve failed to make a baby (yet!), no more giving myself a thousand excuses to eat like a pig. Life is so precious, and I will never have a baby if I don’t get my PCOS and weight under control.

I am committed. No cheating.

And I was. I really was. For the first time in my life I started a diet and stuck to it. Of course life had given me a situation in which it was easier for me than ever, but I look back and I really am amazed at myself for what I did.

Of course that it a bittersweet thing, because I look at how I let life’s situations throw me WAY off course and derail me between then and now. I don’t regret, because I won my prize. My precious little girl who brightens up each day.

Somehow tragedy is always my slap in the face though. It wasn’t until the horrible Sandy Hook incident that I felt like someone through a bucket of icy water on my head. Something telling me to wake the fuck up and start taking care of the life I have. Why do I need the cathartic feeling of stuffing my face full of chemically enhanced garbage when I have this wonderful little girl to take care of and a husband who, seriously, is honestly the best man I know (besides my dad of course).

Today and through this I choose life, I am committed, no cheating.

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Filed under mental, sugar addict!, water

Back at One


Whelp, what can I say?

Later on the same day as my last post, I found out that my dream had finally come true. I was pregnant! After 6 months of putting my body through its paces, it rewarded me by giving me a child. I now have a perfect, beautiful, wonderful 10-month-old baby, and her name is Reagan.

I also have 60 pounds of fat back on my body! 😦

Let’s just say the last 1.5 years have been both the most amazing, stressful, and trying time of my life (so far). I gave up my dream job to move back to Abilene…Brad graduated from his undergrad, but gave up going on for his Masters in order to come back to work as a Sales Manager. It just wasn’t feasible to continue down the track we were and raise a baby.

So, I got preggers and told the diet and working out to go eff themselves. After my miscarriage in 2009 I was scared to breathe, let alone work out. Once I knew things were ok, the impending stress of “oh my God, I’m going to be a mom,” and “Oh my God, how are we going to afford this??” drove me to eating like a freight train.

After my precious daughter was born, I went through the most dramatic (traumatic?) bought of baby blues. And on the tail-end of that we made the decision to move back to Abilene…which also meant I gave up a job that had meant so much to me. I spent the summer of 2012 depressed. I didn’t think I was at the time, but I think that had to have been what it was. Add in to that 3 or 4 failed attempts to reboot my diet, followed with that all-too familiar crash that comes afterwards (Taco Bueno, anyone?), and you have…this. I have totally brought myself 100% to where I was pre-awesome diet in 2011.

Of course my first thought is to cry (done that), feel sorry for myself (done that too), and grab some comforting pizza (done lots of that!). But obviously that’s not helping the situation. On some levels I can’t believe this happened, but on so many more levels I know that I can’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. It happened, I had a baby, and I would never EVER change that. But to be morbidly (ha!) honest, I’m not going to be any good to her in this shape. At this point I can’t hardly hold her for more than 5 minutes before needing to set her down because my back hurts, my arms hurt, I’m out of breath. How can I ever be a good mother, and a good example, if I don’t get my shite together?

So, I’m back. A little bruised ego, a LOT more me. A new town (I’ve got to find a pool!), new situations, new family. But I’m back, and I am determined. I’m back on a plan with Alan, he has a new challenge that starts tomorrow. I know starting something on Jan 1 is cliche and usually fails, but I think I needed a big start to get my rear in gear.

Lord, help me, I’ll need a bit of divine intervention here as well!

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Filed under mental, Preparation, sugar addict!

Eek! 2nd Place!

Hello to the blog-o-sphere! I am still alive and kicking it. Last week was definitely challenging for me, as I’m still not able to kick the last remnants of being sick a couple of weeks ago. I’ve got a cough that’s annoying as all get out, which has made swimming all but impossible. I did manage to make it out one night last week, but paid for it hard the next day. So, I’ve had to avoid swimming until last night, where I got back on track. It’s still a bit harder, but I was able to complete the mile. On top of that, I’ve been craving foods like crazy lately – I must have had something to trigger an insane craving for refined carbs…get behind me, white breads and pastas! You’re not welcome here.

Work has still been extremely crazy, as it seems that will be the status quo for the entire summer while all these simultaneous projects are going on. So, my blog-reading/writing time that I was able to achieve before on down time has been suffering – because believe me, after staring at a computer all day at work, I’m avoiding them at home!

So, I was so incredibly surprised and excited beyond measure to see that I’ve come in 2nd place in Allan’s Phase 5 challenge!! I knew I probably didn’t have a chance of catching up to Elizabeth C ( whoever she is! 😉 ) when I saw the stats last posted a month ago – but I’m so proud to know that at least I was the closest one to her…even if I was still way behind percentage wise. Now I’ve just got to take a pic of my feet on a scale and send it to Allan, Lol!

So, please imaging me sitting here doing the happy dance!

I'm so excited!


(ignore my giant nose please…) 😛

So, for Phase 5, here are my stats:

Click the Image for a Larger View

Once again – I’m incredibly grateful to Allan for putting all of this together. I’m enjoying Phase 6, even though it’s probably the hardest thing to get used to. My body put out great numbers for 2 weeks in a row, and last week’s number was bleh, so I’m hoping for a good number this week…one that may include a ONE as the first digit. That would make my freakin’ day!

Once again – thank you, Allan – as I told him in an email, I’ve lost more weight in the last 6 months than I ever did in the previous 16 years of trying. For him to put this all together for complete strangers and for FREE speaks truly of his character. I look forward to continuing my journey with him and the other Challengers – because I’m only halfway done!

That being said, I’m the one that freaking put down the fork and got my butt in gear, so now that credit has been given where it’s due – YAY ME! I’M FREAKING AWESOME!!! 😀


Filed under Achievement, exercise, mental, personal, Phase 6, weight loss

Where Do I Fit?

This last week was great for me – not only did I get back on track with the plan, but I had some great personal news and work was humming along. I’m still looking at being crazy busy over the next few months, but sometimes I feel like I do my best work when I’m swamped.

So, I’m starting to experience something new and very foreign to me – shopping in normal stores. I’ve bought some jeans at Old Navy a few weeks ago, but that was mostly to see if I could fit into them. Now, I’m finding that the majority of my old work clothes make me look like I’m a child playing dress up in Mom’s closet. So last Friday I set out to buy a couple of work shirts.

I’ve shopped almost exclusively at Lane Bryant for my entire adult life. This was the one place I could go and feel safe when trying on clothes. After too many dressing room experiences ending in tears (and a comforting pizza mostly likely) over the years, I knew that Lane Bryant was that one place where I could feel “normal” when looking for clothes. I wouldn’t have to find something gorgeous only to find that the largest size it came in was at least 2 sizes smaller than me. For years, if I walked into a store in the mall, a Target, or any place that sold clothes that didn’t say Lane Bryant on the outside (or Avenue, as I discovered that place only a couple of years ago)…I never even went into that section to see what was available – I knew that it would never be “available” to me.

So, on Friday when I decided to get a couple of new shirts, I definitely did it while trying to stifle some anxiety.

I started at a Kohl’s, because I knew they had a “women’s” section. I grabbed a few cute shirts, instinctively grabbing a 2XL. I figured that should be big enough for me, thinking that the cut of shirts in a “normal” store must surely run small. Well, those were too big. O.o I grabbed a 1X, which seemed to fit just right, and I was so surprised by how many options were suddenly open to me. I ended up choosing just one shirt that I couldn’t live without, and then repeated the process at Old Navy, where once again I was shocked to find that a 2X was too big.

So…here is my conundrum though…and where I’m hoping that maybe someone out there who has gone through this process before can maybe help me. This ignorance simply comes from years of avoidance of normal clothing stores:

At Kohl’s, the women’s section started off their sizing at 1X. Now, I know that “petites” section is supposed to be for ladies with short torsoes or legs, right? So I can’t shop there. There was also a section there called “Misses,” but their version of a 1X was definitely smaller…is this still the right section to start shopping next? Or is there some magical other section out there? Lol, I’m sure this is one of the all-time stupidest questions, but I honestly have no clue what section of a department store I’ll need to be shopping in in 20 pounds or so. Stores like Target and Old Navy aren’t hard to figure out, but I’m talking about when I need to find work clothes…has anyone out there gone through this? I figure I’ll Google this as well, but I just thought I’d see if anyone out there has any light to shed…

Anyway, sorry for a rambling post – yay for smaller clothes! That was definitely a mood-lifting NSV! Another one is this photo:

Jacket!!! O.o

So, I have developed, through the years, a sort of jacket addiction. Perhaps it’s a layover for being so overweight for so many years, and nothing covers up everything like a cute jacket. I found this jacket at Kohl’s on their sales rack and thought it was so cute! There was only one, and in an XL. I was sooooo tempted to get it, but it was almost too large on me (!!!). And since I plan to be smaller before it would be cool enough outside to wear this, I begrudgingly put it back on the rack. But not before I had Brad snap a photo of me in it.

Lol, so I guess yay for a clothes victory and an impulse by resistance victory. 😉

It’s Monday – rainy outside, but I’m 4 pounds lighter than I was this time last week. 2 bottles of water in, 4 to go today and 1 large tonight + swimming!


Filed under Achievement, mental, personal, water, weight loss

Brain Sabbatical part 2 (Also known as the Brain Returns!)

I blinked and suddenly it’s Wednesday? Craziness!

Work has ramped up a LOT on me lately, so I’m hoping to keep some semblance of regular posting, but I can’t make any promises. It’s very exciting: a project which I am the lead on got green lighted by the big dogs! It’s very awesome, but since they want to do the launch on August 1st it looks like my summer just got crazy. I’m not trying to be cryptic of course, but yes purposely vague. 😉

In other news, my Brain has returned from sabbatical and I am back to following the plan to the letter. I’m over myself and the beating up process. But for my own record and such, here is the short version of what happened last week.

I finally did that thing that I said I wouldn’t do this time around. I started feeling awesome about the progress I’ve made and decided to “reward” myself with food. It was Mother’s Day, I was hanging with my family and they wanted to go to my parents’ favorite Mexican restaurant. Now, I’ve gone with them 1 or 2 times since starting on plan this year, but I’ve been very careful to stick to salad, no chips, etc. Well that night I decided that I deserved chips and salsa. And a meal.

Now going by calories alone, with estimating high, I never went over Phase 5 calories (1200 – I had not hardly eaten anything that day to save up!), but as I’m sure others out there can relate to…this sent me into some sort of downward diet spiral.

The week after that (last week), I was traveling for work where there were several business lunches and dinners. Then, the day I came back there was a funeral for a close family friend. And then Friday…well let’s just say beer and leave it at that.

Two things: 1.) I didn’t gain any weight. I was a little crazy, but I wasn’t stupid either. I ate non-plan foods, but kept tracking the calories as best I could and didn’t really go over the weekly total for Phase 5. Obviously though the foods were definitely not what they were supposed to be. The result was maintainance on my weight, which was not the best but also better than it could have been for sure.

2.) I’m almost glad this happened. It sucked and it was scary at the time, because I know so many times before when I “messed up” that it was over. I’d beat myself up about it, console with food and start the climb back up the scale. It was extremely, extremely hard to get back on track mentally. That one dinner on Sunday sent me into a week long madness it seemed. Now, it was an unusual week because I was out of my routine and had crazy things going on, but still – I have had crazy weeks before this one and did fine, even if I had to improvise.

But, I finally shook off the crazy this weekend, went to the grocery store, and had a nice long chat with myself. As I mentioned on Monday, I am hungry. Seriously – going from mostly liquids on Allan‘s Phase 6 trial, to way too many restaurant meals, and back to liquids? My body has definitely been screaming at me this week. Right now I am hungry for sure. But, I am mentally strong again.

So, work day is almost done. 5.5 bottles of water in, .5 to go + a large tonight. Swimming tonight as well. 🙂

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Filed under Achievement, mental, personal, Phase 6, rant, water