Category Archives: [in]fertility

Isn’t that always the way?

WARNING: Boys, advert your eyes, cause this post mentions some girly gross stuff. It might even have cooties.

I’m totally plugging on in diet lifestyle change land again this week. I’ve been to the work-out-atorium twice, been below my caloric goal each day, found a new blog for inspiration that I’m devouring, and basically having a grand old time. It’s been a bit hard this week since Brad’s had to work late so much. There’s a Big Cahoona coming in for quarterly review mess tomorrow, so it’s all hands on deck at work.

I woke up this morning while Brad was already in the shower, and it was one of those mornings where I woke up, and I just kind of felt thinner. Laughable, at still over 240, I know, but it was just one of those warm and fuzzy moments where my body was telling me that “Hey, you’re doing the right thing. Thanks for feeding me awesome foods and exercising, cause I’m totally digging that.”

I was getting up out of bed all set to say “You’re welcome body, I’m glad that we can work together as a team again,” when BAM. I could totally tell that I had started my period.

You know that feeling..standing up after being in bed…you know what I mean. UGH!

And let me remind my dearest readers that this sensation is not really one that I’m quite accustomed to. Having had PCOS since I was a teenager, I used to only have a lovely visit from nature maybe once a year. And I was ok with that.

Until, you know, finding out that dealing with periods was kind of a thing you HAD to do if you wanted children. But then, it was even better, because I always knew when I was going to have a period, because I was an OCD-cycle-tracking-desperate-to-get-pregnant person.

I’d heard before that after you have a child that sometimes a woman’s body can regulate itself. I didn’t really thing that would happen to me, especially after having gained back so much weight. But I guess it has. Which not only is decidedly inconvenient on the whole being completely surprised thing…but now I’ve got to remember that we can totally get pregnant again…without having to have a bunch of docs involved, etc. That’s awesome…except we are NOT ready to get preggers again so soon!

It may sound VERY silly. But I’ve been married for 13 years, and didn’t have to worry about…um…prevention. Looks like I have some phone calls to make…

So yeah. AT LEAST I know why I’ve been crying at TV commercials and songs for the last few days. Seriously – the TV was set to “Toddler Tunes” yesterday for Reagan, and even reading some of the album titles made me start to cry! (Stay a Baby Forever, I’ll always be Your Mom, etc etc…..oh and don’t EVEN get me started about this song. Jeez!)

Sheesh! All you “normal” womens…I don’t know HOW you do this hormone thing!!! ><

The only other craziness to report is that I had a business lunch today in which lunch was provided. My choices were chopped beef brisket, potato salad, beans and sausage…which giant pieces of fluffy white bread if you wanted to make a sandwich. Oh and a river of BBQ sauce flowed through it.

(I’m in Texas. This is typical.)

I felt obligated to eat it. It was a meeting with a new client for freelance work (building them a website), and they provided lunch. I had a little bit of the beef brisket on bread, and some of the potato salad. After putting the amount I had into MyFitnessPal and overestimating (since I have no idea how this stuff was cooked!), I am guessing I had about 632 calories. It was SO not worth it. The sad thing is that I left about half of the serving of brisket that I took on my plate. Sad as in calories that is. I actually found it very difficult to leave food on the plate (“clean your plate, there’s starving children somewhere!”), so of that I was very proud. But the fact that I wasted over half of what I try to stick to each day on such a measly meal (and greasy, my stomach is NOT happy) is really annoying.

Despite all this, I’m in a pretty good mood, lol!

Question of the Day: What awkward situations have you found yourself in when food is provided? When have you had to force yourself to eat something juts to be nice or save face?



Filed under personal, random, rant, [in]fertility

Friday Wrap-Up

It’s Friday! And I’m in a weird mood, of course, lol!

Weight is doing better, I’m basically back to where I was at the end of last week, so I’m not exactly sure what happened, but I’m satisfied with at least getting back to where I was. I’ve still been going on Phase 6 steadily.

The weird mood comes from other areas – fighting the constant urge to obsess over fertility and the what if’s and charting and all the madness that it can bring. I keep having to remind myself that Brad and I aren’t even actively “trying” (meaning, I’m not on fertility drugs right now), so my chances of everything actually working on its own are slim.

And that’s ok. I don’t believe that 100% yet, but it is.

Also been spending a lot of time thinking about work, and talking with a close co-worker friend about the whole “what do you want to do?” As in, where do I want to go from here, eventually? And of course I have no answer. I mean, if money were no object, I think I’d be content to stay where I am – it’s safe, familiar, and I am confident in my abilities. But if I choose to say that money is an issue, then it’s something to think about.

I don’t care for thinking of it, I’m notoriously adverse to change, so I’m avoiding right now.

I miss Brad this week – he’s got finals next week so we’ve hardly been able to talk at all because he’s been constantly studying. I’ll see him a little next week, as I’m traveling to a nearby station to do some training for them, and then he’ll come back to visit here a week from this weekend. But today I miss him a lot.

I’m not depressed, or sad per se, but I guess I’m just kind of melancholy today. Reflective. Ha, I guess you could just call it moody. 😉

But it’s Friday – and maybe a weekend will do me good. Going for another 3 mile swim attempt tomorrow. I’ve decided that I probably won’t be able to jog for a while still, because my foot is still pretty sore when I walk for a while on it. I’m pricing bikes. 😉


Filed under mental, personal, random, [in]fertility


I’m trying to stay shiny and happy, but I’m definitely feeling broody and anxious about diet-land right about now.

I was thrilled at the loss last week on Phase 6, I did awesome. I survived a “dinner” with my parents (in which I watched them eat and stood my ground explaining why I was not). I survived the weekend with Bradley, who loosely sticks to the plan but is more focused on school than anything, and is still losing weight at a pace he enjoys.

And then there was yesterday.

Brad’s scale is notoriously nicer than my scale – in so much that it usually is 1-2 pounds lighter than mine. So, when reporting my weight last weekend I kept that in mind, having weighed myself on my scale a day before, I averaged. And I was thrilled that they were playing nicely with each other. I stayed on plan and was content.

Until yesterday, when I weighed in (yes, I cheat and weigh almost daily now, sue me). And my scale decided to be especially evil. And I’m talking like – insane difference. Like 5+ pounds difference. Not just different from Brad’s, but different from what it was telling me itself last week.

I’m not usually one to let the numbers bother me too much, I know weight fluctuates, I know water retention fluctuates. But seriously??

And then of course, I started looking at my old TTC sites yesterday (TTC = Trying to Conceive, for the initiated). I started daydreaming about pregnancies and babies…….which inevitably leads me to think about miscarriages and false hopes. Not consciously I guess, but by the time I got home and was standing looking at my swimsuit, I was in a horrible mood. It didn’t take much to talk myself out of going.

I need to work on that still.

All that to say, I skipped swimming last night, and I ingested more than I should have. Not that there’s really much cheating you can do on Phase 6, thank goodness. But I was craving things, oh yes. Luckily I was able to talk myself off of ledges, but I am still craving things today…comfort I suppose. I dunno.

I weighed myself again this morning, scale is still giving me the big fat middle finger. So, I don’t know if it’s water retention or what – I swear there’s hardly anything else in me to be retained!!!

I’ve been battling with being moody all morning, and feeling like I’ve taken giant steps backyard. I know that it’s not true – heck, even if my scale is being accurate, I still weigh less than I ever remember in my adult life. I guess it’s just hard not to feel defeated at it. And I know I’m being whiny, and a girl but hell, I DO have a vagina, it’s just going to happen. Right now I’m just trying to process this objectively and convince myself that all this work isn’t for nothing.

So, swimming tonight, staying away from pregnancy sites, and putting the scale away for a couple of days. I may not have a loss this week, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let numbers and my own stupid broody brain to crack me any more this week.



Filed under mental, personal, rant, [in]fertility

SFC: Week #3

So yeah, like I said yesterday, I’m down another 5 pounds! I’m getting so close to Onederland! I’m already where I was a couple of years ago when I focused on losing weight. Last time it took me 6 months or so, this time…3.5 months. So awesome. I’m now at the weight I was when I got preggo and had the miscarriage. So, I have officially claimed back all that my dark funk depression of 2010 stole from me. It feels great. 😀

My positive picture for the week:

My Mom

This is a picture of my mom. I am so happy that she is now home from the hospital and doing well. My mom has always supported me in everything, and I feel so lucky to have her in my life.

What have you done this last week to help achieve your goals?

  1. Get to Onederland! I lost 5 pounds this last week! I’m so excited, only 16 pounds to go! 
  2. Try at least 8 new healthy recipes. I’ve now found 4 new things I want to try, no actual cooking yet. I probably will be holding off on this until June, since I’m still on Allan’s plan for now.
  3. Swim 500m freestyle without stopping. I’ve made it up to 200m freestyle without stopping! I am learning to slow down a lot more when swimming this stroke, that seems to be the key to keeping myself going without feeling panicky for air.
  4. Send 10 Postcards with Postcrossing. Nothing yet. I WILL make it to the bookstore this week to buy cards!
  5. Buy Brad’s Ring. Unfortunately I haven’t heard back from my freelance job yet, so I don’t have a new plan here yet, but I’m keeping my eyes out for something.
  6. Read 6 new books. Nothing yet.
  7. Write 8 paper journal entries. Nothing yet.

What did you do this past week to make you feel good about yourself? I was trying to get my nails back to their natural glory (I’ve had acrylics for most of the year), but I did so well on my weight loss that Brad encouraged me to go get them done. I did, and I love them! 😀

Are your SFC goals your ultimate goals or steps to your ultimate goals?  Do you find it easier to set big goals or do you like making mini-goals? These are just stepping stones for me for the most part. I mean, obviously the recipe and postcards and such are cute ones for fun. But definitely on the weight loss front, this is just a step in the journey. Once I get below 200 pounds, I still have 50+ to go to get to my ultimate goal.

What are some of your ultimate goals, things on your bucket list? Start a family (children), go on cruises in Alaska, Europe, and New England. I’d like to visit England once again. Other places I want to see are New Zealand, Japan, and Australia. I want to go scuba diving again, loved that!

Fun Question: If you could achieve only one more thing in your life, what would it be? Get pregnant and have a healthy child. 😉

Happy Monday Everyone! I vow to make this week much more positive than the last!


Filed under Achievement, mental, SFC, weight loss, [in]fertility

The Dark Passenger Shows Her Ugly Face

So, yeah, my disclaimer for this post: This is written through a haze of raging female hormones that are making my “Dark Passenger” show her worst this week. So, please know that here in a few days when all the hormones subside, this week will seem like 80% less awful than it does right now.

So, this week has been so much crap! It seems like every day something has gone wrong for me – and dealing with this stupid stupid hormone crap on top of it is making me either scream at people for no good reason, or cry like a 2 year old.

First, last week I discovered an error I had made at work. I don’t want to go into details, it’s not a big deal in the end, but my boss decided that after he had previously told me not to worry about it, that he needed to come back on Monday morning and kick me in the proverbial nuts. Now, I have a great boss overall, as long as you can anticipate his moods. He just sometimes says things, and you have to know that he’s just talking. Well, he apparently had worked himself up about something else, and took out his frustration on me by calling me up and telling me that this error was HUGE and that “you know it’s your fault, right?”

Well, what else could I say besides “yes sir, I do.” I mean, I did, I had told him what I had done the second I realized it. Again, all is fine now, and I still think I have a good boss compared to what I’ve had before, and he’s apologized since then.

BUT, at that moment in time, the first thing Monday morning…after hanging up the phone I ran to the bathroom because I knew I was losing my composure. I had to go and have myself a good cry in the stall. The sad thing is, I’ve recently started wearing mascara. I never was really a big mascara person, but I guess with the weight loss I’ve been spending a little more time getting prettiefied in the mornings. So, yeah. I had my first ever cry-off-mascara moment. It’s not very pretty.

That was the start of my week. Since then it’s been working with my team to re-work things to correct the error (we are a little over halfway done, so all is well!).

Tuesday was ok – still lost of residual crap going on at work, but I managed to be ok.

Yesterday it was time to start yelling at Brad apparently. Brad is in school, as I’ve mentioned, 150 miles away. He will graduate in December, move back here with me, and all will be well as far as feeling like a family again. In the meantime, I was looking forward to the summer, where Brad would be here for the month of June and July. Well, he’s also been working on an extra project, where he would be teaching a class in May – it looks great on his attempt to get into Grad school, he’ll get paid, and he’s uber excited about it. I was excited for him.

That is until yesterday he mention all causal-like that the class now goes through the end of June.

I lost it on him there. I was very upset, I was upset that we lose a month, and upset that apparently his excitement of teaching the class made him forget to be disappointed that he wouldn’t be here for June. Irrational? Yes. Did I care? Not so much.

Of course “normal” ladies with “normal” hormone insanity will think this is all “normal.” But as I’ve mentioned, I’ve never really had to deal with PMS, since my cycles were all screwed up, and it seems that post-miscarriage, the hormones I take to regulate this lovely process effect me even more than they did before. Brad and I are trying to deal with this 3rd person in our marriage – this Dark Passenger who is kinda evil.

So, I apologized to Brad, he apologized for being a guy….and then we repeated the whole process later that night when something else he said made me go crazy again.

I told Brad – it’s like as this is happening I’m watching myself in the third person and seeing how crazy I’m acting, but not being able to stop it.

So today. Today I woke up hopeful for a normal day (and praying to big G that my freaking period would just get here already and release all this hormonal bs!)…I make it out the door for work, drive about 2 miles, and my brother calls. Apparently my mother is in the hospital. Again.

As far as I can tell right now, all is OK. Apparently my mother doesn’t understand when the docs are telling her to eat a bland diet. After a couple of days of feeling better, she starts eating things that set off her myriad of things that she’s got going on in her colon. So, she woke up in the middle of the night throwing up, and finally my dad called an ambulance this morning. I think that’s the part that scared me the most, that they called an actual ambulance instead of driving.

But, I’ve talked to my dad and it seems she’s doing OK. They are running tests and hydrating…sounds like they will just need to smack her down about her eating.


I really am not a dramatic person. I don’t revel in being surrounded by drama. All of this craziness is making me go…well…crazy.

If ever there was a week to cheat on this diet, it was this one. I didn’t.

If ever there was a week to have an excuse not to exercise it’s this one. I didn’t give in, swimming for the 3rd time this week tonight.

Technically I cheated last night – I was so mad at Brad after finding out he wouldn’t be here in June that I had 2 cups of unscheduled broccoli. Ha! How’s crazy is that? I cheated with broccoli.

Yeesh. Ok, now that I’ve verbally vomited all over the place, I’m getting back to work.

I DO have one shameless plug for this week, my good friend at work has a band, and I’m helping him put together new graphic materials for their Facebook page. You should check them out, if for no other reason than to look at my pretty graphics! Of course if you “like” their page as well, I’m sure they would appreciate it.  😉

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Filed under Achievement, exercise, mental, personal, rant, [in]fertility

SFC: Week #2

Before getting into my SFC post for the week, I just wanted to say hello to all my blog friends! Today has been a bad day for me. Got yelled at at work, had a cry-fest, all sorts of fun. Sadly I don’t think it would have normally been this bad, but I just stopped taking the Provera a few days ago, and the hormones they are a raging. I am looking on the positive side – all is fine at work in the long run, I didn’t comfort myself with food, and I freaking lost 4 pounds last week!

That being said, here is my SFC post:

My positive picture for the week:

This is a shirt I bought over a year ago, before the m/c and the weight piled back on. I couldn't fit into it as little as a month ago. It was almost loose on my last Friday! Please ignore the boot and the trashy paper towels behind me!

What have you done this last week to help achieve your goals?

  1. Get to Onederland! I lost 4 pounds last week! I guess the swimming finally kicked in, and I ate pristinely on plan. 🙂 
  2. Try at least 8 new healthy recipes. I’ve found 2 new things I want to try, no actual cooking yet.
  3. Swim 500m freestyle without stopping. Last week, I got up to being able to swim 125m freestyle without a break, so that’s some progress.
  4. Send 10 Postcards with Postcrossing. Nothing yet.
  5. Buy Brad’s Ring. I sent off the information to my freelance job that she needed as far as pricing, still waiting on hearing back.
  6. Read 6 new books. Nothing yet, need to make it to Half Price Books this week!
  7. Write 8 paper journal entries. Nothing yet.

What did you do this week to make you feel good about yourself?

I did give myself another little manicure, and then my mother and I also went shopping. We didn’t buy a whole lot of clothes, because I know that any clothes won’t last very long in transition, but I did get some new shoes that are so CUTE! (Thanks Mom!)

Is your mindset future-oriented or living in the now? How does this impact you when you are working towards a goal?

Oh this is a hard one. I would think that in this stage, I’m constantly future-oriented. Right now is going OK, but I’m looking forward to the day Brad is back home full time. I’m looking forward to being out of the 200’s, I’m looking forward to getting preggo…I am enjoying now for what it’s worth, but this is a year of working to goals for me.

Is there someone in your {real} life that inspires you to strive for the best?

My husband of course, he has always seen me the way I wanted to be seen, even if I never saw myself that way. He is the one that threw a mental bucket of cold water on me last year and helped me to wake up and start trying again. I always want him to be proud of me – and he always is. 🙂

Fun Question of the Week: Do you read blogs on the individual websites or via Google Reader?

I always like looking at individual blogs, I have them set up in Google Reader, but looking at everyone’s blog is so much more personal…….that and I always forget about the reader, lol – old habits die hard I suppose. 😉

Ok, time to dive back in to this crappy Monday. 4 bottles of water down, 2 to go at work. 2 large at home…and swimming tonight if it’s not too crowded!

Life's Journey with a Smile

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Filed under Achievement, exercise, mental, SFC, water, weight loss, [in]fertility

What Dreams May Come?

Happy Friday, Everyone! TGIF! 😀

Yesterday was good, productive, and I had a great swim last night. My arms are definitely feeling the workout, which is great for me because like many people on the weight loss road, I hate my upper arms.

Today has been a good day so far as well, it’s a nice lazy Friday up here at work (unless you’re working in the IT department, apparently there is some database crisis, so the nerds are running up and down the halls). So I’ve been doing a lot of reading, interspersed with minor work duties that I needed to cross off my list.

So last night, my brother told me about a dream he had had a few nights ago. He said that in his dream he met mine and Brad’s son. He said that he was a little boy, about 4 years old, and was the spitting image of Brad – red hair and all! He said that he ran up to him saying, “Uncle Jeff, Uncle Jeff!” and proceeded to tell him that some kids were bullying him. Jeff said that he told the kid “you’re untouchable, man, no one can hurt you!” or something to that effect.

I think that as little as 3-4 months ago, this would have made me sad, and started me on feeling sorry for myself. At the end of last year, after having a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy, anything baby-related would send me into a self-loathing funk.

For some reason though, this dream made me feel really hopeful and optimistic. I’m not trying to get all mystical about it, it just left me with a good feeling. I know we aren’t TTC for a few more months, but I almost feel like sometime soon I may get my wish.

Anyway, that’s my post for this beautiful day. It’s sunny and green outside my window – being in Texas I know the green will turn brown once the 100 degree days hit, so I’m enjoying this for as long as I can.

Work day halfway done – 3 bottles of water down, 3 to go. 2 large and workouts tonight.

Have a great Friday! 😉

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Filed under mental, personal, water, [in]fertility

How to Women Do All This PMS Crap?

So I’m back on the Provera this week, trying to induce another lovely time of the month. (For those that are new, I have PCOS and don’t have regular cycles. Trying to have a baby someday, so gotta keep an eye on this crap.)

As I may have mentioned before, Provera is a form of progesterone. Before AF (Aunt Flo for the uninitiated, or those with penises) shows up to town, a woman’s body has a surge of this hormone, signaling to the body that “hey, no baby-daddy came and knocked up that egg we dropped, so time to flush the system.” Since I have PCOS, that little miracle doesn’t happen (I don’t drop eggs unless chemically induced to do so, but that’s another story) so I get to throw down a pill for 10 days to create this surge. AF shows up within 2 weeks afterward.

So what I’ve figured out is that I’m basically volunteering to give myself PMS.


(how do you “normal” women-peeps do this without
starting a world war or become serial killers!?)

Since I started up on the Provera this time around, I’ve become a raging maniac. I’ve been snappy at work, snappy with Brad, snappy with mentally beating myself up. Grrr. And as a woman who gladly took on the PCOS and the awesome lack-of-monthly-cycle that came with it, all of this PMS crap is really foreign to me.

It was even more foreign to Brad, having been married to a non-PMS having woman for a decade. 😉

So, apparently if you want to have a baby in this world, you have to run around like a mental patient for some time before that (not to mention how insane you can become WHILE pregnant). It’s strange, because I’ve taken Provera off and on for years during our lovely trying to have a baby journey…but I don’t think the PMS symptoms were as bad as they’ve been the 2 rounds this year.

Maybe it’s cause I’m losing weight, and my body’s natural hormones are getting aligned, which serve to augment the PMS monster. I hope that’s what it is, but for my sanity’s sake I hope I don’t end up punching someone before the day is done! ><

At least Brad is safe from physical harm, he’s 150 miles away…

Ok, enough of my mental state. Just had to rant out there to the internet bits and bytes. How about a photo instead?

My Keyboard at work, edited with Instagram

For anyone who enjoys photography, or iPhoneography, the app I used to create the photo above is called Instagram. It’s a nifty app that lets you snap a photo, do some simple editing, the post straight to Facebook, Twitter, and Foursquare. I’ve got a few of these rattleling around in my phone, this is my latest one to play with.

Any other photography bugs out there with good app suggestions (preferably free, lol)? Let me know!

Off to go contain the PMS monster inside me, 2 bottle of water in, 4 to go at work.


Filed under mental, random, rant, water, [in]fertility

We’ve Got the Funk

Yesterday I was just in a funky mood. I have no idea what was up with me. Tuesday I had no energy to workout. Today I think I see a light at the tunnel.

48 hours or so of funk, I don’t know what it is. I would love to say it’s some sort of PMS, but I’d have to have normal cycles for that. I guess it could be feux-PMS? Who know…

So, last night I was supposed to go swimming and bailed. I think I fell asleep a few minutes after getting home from work. I didn’t sleep long, but laid there dozing for a good while afterward. After that I drug my butt up for long enough to make some dinner – healthy, thank God, because I was craving a thousand different evil things by that point – and then drudge back to bed.

I think part of it is work – feeling a bit overwhelmed, part of it is this stupid boot – I have a feeling that my weight loss is going to stay slow/stalled until I can run again, part of it is the tiny voice in the back of my mind telling me to start thinking about babies again, and part of it was missing Brad – going two weeks between our minuscule weekend visits sucks, and the last few days before a visit seem to be the hardest.

So, knowing all this mess, I tried to wake up today with a better attitude – and I have no excuses not to go swim tonight, I have to do SOMETHING! ><

Only 3.5 hours left to go at work – 4 bottles of water in, 2 to go, and I’m making some afternoon coffee cause I NEEDS it! 😛

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Filed under mental, random, rant, water, [in]fertility

Crazy Morning

Just wanted to check in, this morning is proving crazy as we have some trainers in for a new ad serving system that we’re going to be implementing here in the next few months. So, the trainers came in to start their conference call demo of the product to our stations, and apparently no one thought to make sure their conference calling system could handle all the people that would be attending. So it crashed.

And of course who gets to communicate and coordinate with our stations? That’d be me. So it’s been a whirlwind of a morning with typing emails with updates and reschedules and all of that fun stuff. But all is quiet now for a minute at least so I thought I’d sneak in a blog post.

I tried to update yesterday, but apparently during the time I had free WordPress decided to take a nap and crash, so I could only read my other bloggy friends out there.

In my “real life,” I’ve got Facebook friends and family asking me to update my “real” blog. I’ve been avoiding this, not just because I’ve been insanely busy and focusing on the weight loss blogs of my life…to be honest I really don’t know why I’m avoiding. I thought it might be because I’d have to update about what happened with my nephew, who died of cancer in January…or maybe just because there is really nothing new going on with mine and Brad’s life.

This might coincide with the fact that I’ve started thinking about babies again. After my miscarriage in late 2009, and then a chemical pregnancy last year (almost exactly a year ago in fact), and Brad moving 150 miles away to finish school…we decided to take a break. I wanted time to try and prepare my body for TTC (trying to conceive) again, by losing weight and focusing on eating right for my PCOS. So, we were looking at trying again in June. By June 8th I plan to be under 200 lbs.

Right now I’m about 10 pounds away from where I was the last time my body had a period on it’s own, which means that it ovulated on it’s own. Sorry if that’s TMI, but it’s a big deal for me. Not that in 10 pounds my body will miraculously repeat the process, but I believe that with continued weight loss that this will happen again.

So, when I think about this and about blogging in “real life,” I guess I started feeling apprehensive, because TTC and blogging on my other blog (in which I talk candidly about TTC and my miscarriage)…all represent some bad stuff that’s happened in my life, and I guess I am not eager to start thinking about it again. I have spent the last 4-5 months working on me, and my mental and physical states…I am scared to begin the cycle of hoping and being disappointed that TTC brought to my life. Yesterday I visited a website that I used to spend hours a day on, a support forum for ladies trying to conceive, and I had to just close it after a few minutes…I guess because I’m scared of what it has represented in my life? I don’t know.

I’d like to think that I could start to try this journey again without the heaviness, without being obsessed, but it’s hard for me, as I tend to be a bit obsessive by nature. I did go to the pharmacy yesterday and refill my fertility meds…I think I’m almost ready to dip a toe in…

So, that is all on my mind today. Lots to think about. Lots to remember to keep in check. I want to do this, but not at the expense of being happy with where I am in life, right now.

Almost lunch time, only 1 bottle of water in, time to get to work. 😉


Filed under mental, personal, random, water, [in]fertility