Triggers

It’s strange, because I’ve never really been one to say that I have triggers. I mean, nothing so far has caused me to go completely insane while on the plans, challenges, whatever you want to call it.

I think the only thing that I’ve ever splurged on has been wine or beer once or twice. Light beer. 😉

But I will admit that I’m very aware of smells and sights with regards to food, moreso than ever, but nothing had yet sent a “trigger” into my mind.

And then I walked into the breakroom today. I smelled the most delicious, lovely, and dare I say triggering smell. The second I smelled it, it took me to years and years of fatty comfort. There was no sight to match the smell, but I knew what had been in there.

It was cinnamony, and buttery, and bread…y. I could swear that I was in a room that had created a fresh batch of cinnamon toast. And cinnamon toast and I have a history…

Used to when I would come home from school and want a snack, or I was depressed and wanted a snack, or was shaky from going too long without eating, or drinking too much caffeine in my thousand daily sodas – there was cinnamon toast.

cue the flashback sound fx here…

Not 1 or 2 pieces for me. No, 6 pieces were usually the norm. Not a tiny smattering a butter, but a slathery buttered up piece was considered perfect. I would do that part in secret, because 1 time my brother made fun of me for how much butter I put on my toast. After that I would usually make the toast as fast as possible to make sure that no one could see how much I put on there – or wait until the kitchen was clear.

I had it timed perfectly, oven warming up with the broiler on as I prepared the toast – and a pot of water heating up, because seriously, what is cinnamon toast without some cream of wheat (2 packets, please, with lots of butter and sugar). I slathered the pieces in butter, doused with sugar, and then of course, the cinnamon. Into the oven. 5-8 minutes later, water is boiling and toast comes out. Prepare the cream of wheat, then grab a plate. And here is the neurotic part: I would stack the pieces of toast on the plate – putting the most buttery, crunchy sugar-fied, beautiful piece on the bottom, and then stack the pieces on top of that one in order with the next best piece following, all the way until I got to the so-so piece to eat first – because as we all know,  you must SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST.

Eating the cinnamon toast and cream of wheat was an art form – using the sugary cream of wheat as a dip was a great way to eat the crusts. I would eat it all. And I would be “happy/feel better/less sad/less bored” because eating horrible foods is always a great way to cover up what’s really bothering you…

I continued this ritual, less frequently, through college, marriage…heck I can think of a couple of stressful days last year where I did this…

…end flashback…

All of that – that whole thing flashed through my mind when I walked into the breakroom today. I stood in there (alone thank God) for a good 30 seconds and inhaled. I hadn’t thought about cinnamon toast in what, 4 months? For 4 months I haven’t turned to food for comfort, celebration, love, acceptance – it’s a great feeling. But oh my gosh for those 30 seconds I remembered and missed and mourned the days of cinnamon toast and cream of wheat. And I think I finally glimpsed the smallest understanding of triggers…

And then I grabbed my last 2 bottles of water that I need to drink today at work and left the breakroom, and the wants, behind…

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4 Comments

Filed under Achievement, food porn, mental, personal, sugar addict!, water

4 responses to “Triggers

  1. Good for you, dear! What a trigger that would be for me. Cream of wheat and cinnamon toast was one of my favorites as a kid too. Of course, the cream of wheat was laced heavily with butter and brown sugar too. Gosh. Now you have me thinking about it. I won’t be eating any today either though. I wish you the best as you continue the plan.

  2. YEAH!!! You did grand. I love cinnamon toast too but with peanut butter on it, a thick melted coat of it. That is why I haven’t bought any for over a year, I know better.
    Take care and keep up the great work. God Bless!!

  3. I can think of ways that I would eat a certain food and consider it a ritual or an art form. It’s horrible isn’t it. Isn’t is great to recognize who you WERE?

  4. So funny that I couldn’t imagine a meal totally dominated by carbs now a days. Sounds all too familiar to me. We call it toast and dipping mush. There is no substitute for a meal like that if you are eating healthy … stinks

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