Crazy Morning

Just wanted to check in, this morning is proving crazy as we have some trainers in for a new ad serving system that we’re going to be implementing here in the next few months. So, the trainers came in to start their conference call demo of the product to our stations, and apparently no one thought to make sure their conference calling system could handle all the people that would be attending. So it crashed.

And of course who gets to communicate and coordinate with our stations? That’d be me. So it’s been a whirlwind of a morning with typing emails with updates and reschedules and all of that fun stuff. But all is quiet now for a minute at least so I thought I’d sneak in a blog post.

I tried to update yesterday, but apparently during the time I had free WordPress decided to take a nap and crash, so I could only read my other bloggy friends out there.

In my “real life,” I’ve got Facebook friends and family asking me to update my “real” blog. I’ve been avoiding this, not just because I’ve been insanely busy and focusing on the weight loss blogs of my life…to be honest I really don’t know why I’m avoiding. I thought it might be because I’d have to update about what happened with my nephew, who died of cancer in January…or maybe just because there is really nothing new going on with mine and Brad’s life.

This might coincide with the fact that I’ve started thinking about babies again. After my miscarriage in late 2009, and then a chemical pregnancy last year (almost exactly a year ago in fact), and Brad moving 150 miles away to finish school…we decided to take a break. I wanted time to try and prepare my body for TTC (trying to conceive) again, by losing weight and focusing on eating right for my PCOS. So, we were looking at trying again in June. By June 8th I plan to be under 200 lbs.

Right now I’m about 10 pounds away from where I was the last time my body had a period on it’s own, which means that it ovulated on it’s own. Sorry if that’s TMI, but it’s a big deal for me. Not that in 10 pounds my body will miraculously repeat the process, but I believe that with continued weight loss that this will happen again.

So, when I think about this and about blogging in “real life,” I guess I started feeling apprehensive, because TTC and blogging on my other blog (in which I talk candidly about TTC and my miscarriage)…all represent some bad stuff that’s happened in my life, and I guess I am not eager to start thinking about it again. I have spent the last 4-5 months working on me, and my mental and physical states…I am scared to begin the cycle of hoping and being disappointed that TTC brought to my life. Yesterday I visited a website that I used to spend hours a day on, a support forum for ladies trying to conceive, and I had to just close it after a few minutes…I guess because I’m scared of what it has represented in my life? I don’t know.

I’d like to think that I could start to try this journey again without the heaviness, without being obsessed, but it’s hard for me, as I tend to be a bit obsessive by nature. I did go to the pharmacy yesterday and refill my fertility meds…I think I’m almost ready to dip a toe in…

So, that is all on my mind today. Lots to think about. Lots to remember to keep in check. I want to do this, but not at the expense of being happy with where I am in life, right now.

Almost lunch time, only 1 bottle of water in, time to get to work. 😉

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2 Comments

Filed under mental, personal, random, water, [in]fertility

2 responses to “Crazy Morning

  1. YAY for June 8th! I am sure with the weight loss continuing your body will be in great shape for starting the process.

  2. Just checking up on you, hoping you’re okay. Don’t think too deeply about if you’re afraid, resisitant, reluctant, avoiding, whatever, your “real life” blog. You are where you need to be. You sound (sometimes) like someone who has a lot of “shoulds” and “ought to’s) in you life. The only one who should be telling you what to do is you. Maybe it hasn’t been long enough since the abortion (spontaneous) to get pregnant again. You might need to heal a bit more. Don’t seek pregnancy, then, because you should be over it. Maybe try to ovulate on your own. Even PCOS sufferers do sometimes, as you know. More weight loss might help (might not…life is so unpredictable!).

    There are plenty of us rooting for you.

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