Forgiveness?

There’s an interesting discussion going on on Food Freak’s blog, spurred by Allan‘s mentioning of enabling. I won’t go into too many details, since most of you know already the discussion that I’m talking about.

In fact, I’ll let the discussion speak for itself. In response to this post on Food Freak’s blog, I left this comment yesterday:

I will say that I think I used to be one of these people that sought enablement (is that a word?) in “real life.” I didn’t do it purposefully, but I would many times seek “forgiveness” or excuse my “bad behavior” with whatever triggered me in the first place. I don’t think I ever took it to the degree that the blogger in question has, but the behavior was there.

The latest manifestation of this, and hopefully the last, was my miscarriage in late 2009.

There were a few variables that I believe shocked me out of this behavior, finding Allan’s blog with it’s tough love stance being one of them. But I must say it is a total 180, and I wouldn’t know how to lead someone else off the path of seeking forgiveness. It truly seems to happen a lot of times by a life-changing event, which is sad.

Sorry to ramble. Just thought I’d throw in my two cents from a former parasite. 😉

I didn’t think much of it, I’ve left plenty of comments on blogs throughout my time, but today I was intrigued when I saw the FF’s response:

I’m very sorry about the loss of your pregnancy. My sister had two miscarriages and I saw her terrible pain. Yes, it’s a life-changing event, and I’m glad you seem to have come through the darkness, even though the wound will only scar over, not disappear.

I agree that an event like that can really change your outlook about everything, including enabling. (I think if “enablement” isn’t a word, it should be. lol) I like when you say you wouldn’t be able to do it to someone else now. Insight can really make everything different.

Tell me, did you forgive yourself? I think it’s important that you do that. You’re out of the symbiotic relationship now, and would recognize if you were doing it again. I think that merits forgiveness by the one person who counts–yourself.

I really wasn’t expecting the question on forgiveness, and I had to actually think on that one. I responded:

I think I have forgiven myself…both for the feeling like a “broken” woman because of the MC, and for being the “brat” that wanted attention and an excuse forgiven. I spent plenty of time wallowing in it last year until my dear husband had a talk to me, and I realized that beating myself up was also beating up those around me.I guess I never formally recognized it as forgiveness, but now that you mention it, I believe I have – finally. 🙂

So here I sit, thinking about this idea of forgiveness. Like I mentioned, I never thought to form what I feel into this kind of package. An official “forgiveness,” but I guess I need to spend some time thinking on that. I mean, I do forgive myself, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that I should remember to keep that in the forefront. It’s so easy to get caught up in the idea of foods and exercise and challenges and etc…but I want to be sure this time that I don’t stray far from where I started. That the decision I made to change and the changes I made are more than surface level deep. I think I’m rambling here…

Basically, I do forgive myself, but don’t think I’ve given time to examine the weight of those words and what all they imply. I’ve thought many times of writing a letter, but I usually shy away because it’s easier not to think about some things.

Coincidentally, my good co-worker friend turned me on to a new musical over the weekend (he’s my everything-music pimp, lol). It’s called Next to Normal. Strangely enough, it deals with the loss of a child, and the crazy that being crazy can bring to your family. It was really good I thought, and helps to keep things in perspective as well.

So, all this to say, this week is good for me I think, because it brings back in to focus all that it took to finally break through to my crazy brain.

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1 Comment

Filed under mental, personal, random

One response to “Forgiveness?

  1. You’re nowhere NEAR crazy. You are very perceptive, and self-perceptive, insightful and self-insightful (I’m making terms up. . . two can play that game), and so on. That can appear to be crazy in a crazy world, but the world is bad crazy, and you’re good crazy, something entirely different.

    You make me think. *blush*

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