Snow, Anger, and Relief

Wow, the last 24 hours have been a bit crazy. First, the snow and freezing ice made the 25 mile trek to work impossible yesterday, so I spent the day working from home and surfing the webs, and then since it’s too cold to jog outside, I worked out with my sit-up and squats apps, and then did a 30 minute aerobic dance video on Netflix (so awesome that they have workout programs on there now!).

Second, I guess I spoke too soon the other day when I talked about weaknesses. I haven’t broken the diet, but I definitely found what I guess could be called a trigger – her name is Mom. 😉 My parents are so very sweet, and I grew up in a wonderful home…but they definitely do NOT understand food addiction, and seem to think that if I deny myself something that surely I must be crying inside and feeling so deprived that I’m miserable. Let me back up here – my parents decided to make soup on Monday night, and invited me and my brother over for dinner. My mom was a dear and saved all the information of the foods they fixed, so that I could keep up. So, I had some soup, passed on the cornbread, and then had a small banana-nut muffin, as we were celebrating my brother’s birthday. My mom kept going on about me not eating the cornbread – offering me crackers as an alternative. I tried to explain that I’m trying to stay away from refined breads, processed foods, etc. She kept worrying that I was going to bed hungry, and how that made her feel sad…I tried to explain, in simplistic terms that yes, I did go to bed hungry the first week, but I’m obviously not starving – hello! I don’t know if she’ll ever understand, and that’s ok, this is my deal, not hers. And she is as supportive as she can be – if you can call offering me seconds of everything and saying that I should “reward” myself supportive…but it’s all she knows. I will not reward myself with food, I’ll reward myself with losing weight!

Whoa – sorry for the Mom-rant there. I don’t want anyone to think that she wasn’t an excellent mother. She raised us well, and only followed the food guidelines that her parents and society threw on her – feed them, feed them lots and they’ll love you, feed them everything with butter because butter means love…I don’t know, I’m just guessing here. All I know is that it’s not up to her to understand, as long as she supports me then she doesn’t have to. I guess I just needed to realize that going home is definitely a trigger – that’s the place where cinnamon toast and cream of wheat was an after school snack…and swiss cake rolls + butter in the microwave made me “feel good.” So, gotta keep that in mind.

Oh, and I failed to mention that, eating the beef vegetable soup, and/or the muffin, tore my stomach up the next day. Seriously. I don’t know if it was the reintroduction of beef after having avoided it for a month…or the refined bread…but I was not a happy camper yesterday. Lesson learned.

Third – imagine my surprise last night when Allan said that the challenge was canceled! I say surprise…but I was more surprised by the fact that I got pissed! I mean, here was this challenge, that is hard but is working for me, and he’s going to cancel it because some bozos out there can’t keep up and don’t have the cajones to drop out on their own? I was upset. I mean, duh, I’d keep following the plan on my own and Brad and I will support each other – but I was excited for the accountability each day, each week – I was excited to be doing so well! I was also excited about prizes, but that’s all selfish of me…I think it’s only because it looked like I might actually qualify for one 😉

So, it’s interesting, because of trying to explain all this to Brad – Brad is not a blogger, and doesn’t “get it.” He doesn’t read any blogs, not even this one (he reads my other blog – which basically just serves to update friends and family on what we’re up to). Brad is enjoying the challenge, participates, and is excited to hear that he’s also doing well in Allan’s challenge. So, when he received the email that it was canceled, he was of course curious as to what was up. After I explained a bit, he said “maybe he just doesn’t understand food addiction, how powerful it can be.” I responded that actually, I think Allan is keenly aware of this. He’s struggled with it for longer than either one of us – and I think he takes it m0re seriously than many of the other bloggers that I’ve come across. He knows that you don’t take an alcoholic that is lamenting a slip up and tell them “oh, it’s ok, you’ve been doing so well that you deserve a reward!” So, actually I think the fact that Allan understands food addiction so well is the reason he canceled.

That’s what it’s like…being addicted to food is real…it’s not just a bunch of fatties trying to blame the food. There are all kinds of studies, blah blah blah, I won’t go into all that. But what I will say is that yes, there are bad days for everyone. Yes, there is a real addiction involved here…and yes, Allan can be a jerk and crass, but hello – hand-holding and mothering other fatties is what got us here in the first place! Did you read the paragraph above about my mom just now? Sure, the intentions are to be helpful – but you aren’t helping other people dealing with weightloss by offering them a hug when they eat a cookie. Eating a cookie won’t kill you – but the accumulation of the cookies you eat through the years will eventually. Someday, that last cookie will beat you down. Or at least the heart attack that follows it. Or the diabetes. Or…need I go on?

I don’t know where all this ranting is coming from today. I was happy to see that Allan is starting up a new challenge in place of the old one, and he’s only taking serious participants. So, I don’t have much to rant about. I don’t usually get caught up in all the blogging drama – I read them, comment on a few, and move on…but I think that the more I equate food addiction to other addictions out there, the more passionate I become about it. I’ll step down quietly off my soap box now.

I will get to where I want to be…and my reward will be health, and hopefully a baby. Not a cookie.

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Filed under mental, personal, random, rant

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